"We're all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness - and call it love - true love." (Robert Fulghum)
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My mind is all over the place these days. It either drifts towards Harlyn, who's lost it, or towards Nevin, with whom I've been on a constant downhill for a while now, or towards the fog that envelops anyone else I know. I'm starting to realize more and more that excessive rumination is harming me to the extent that I sometimes distort reality. Most of the time, the situation in my head becomes much bigger than it actually is, which intensifies my feelings of anxiety and even makes them overwhelming.
Halloween evening marked the beginning of a period that turned everyone's lives upside down, sooner or later. Nothing is the same anymore, and the worst part is that I've become a mere spectator of the drama, as all events are just adjacent to me; I'm just a collateral victim, hardly involved at all.
The only way that has ever worked for me to stop the stream of thoughts from flowing is to engage in a necessary activity that keeps both my body and brain occupied. Not many ideas come to mind, so I get out of bed with the intention of going for a relaxing walk. I put on comfortable clothes because I don't plan to push myself too hard, and I follow the skincare routine that Harlyn built for me after a detailed analysis and some free tests she forced me to do at specialized stores.
I find myself in a major crossroads because over these past two months, Harlyn has greatly contributed to boosting my self-confidence, even though not directly through deep conversations that impart life lessons. Thanks to her, I take much better care of myself, especially on a physical level, and I've discovered that makeup is a form of self-expression and doesn't necessarily have to be interpreted as a way to hide behind a mask. Moreover, sometimes I even think twice before choosing my food.
I don't feel like I've done anything for her, like our friendship has brought any value to her, and the fact that I'm incapable of helping her in her current situation destroys me even more. I wish I could understand her or at least have been in her eyes a reliable person she could find comfort in and share the burden weighing on her shoulders.
Speaking of the wolf and the wolf at the door. Lately, our group of friends hasn't been functioning at all normally, so at the moment, I don't even know if the wisest thing for me would be to keep quiet and go on with my day, or to flip the coin again to see which side it lands on today.
"There will be amandines tonight at the canteen," she breaks the ice, even though her eyes are directed in a completely different direction from where I am, but this way Harlyn doesn't notice that my jaw is on the floor.
Amandine is my favorite dessert, and Harlyn knows it very well. A glimmer of hope blooms in my heart, but I prefer to ignore it because my feelings have rarely turned towards anything other than disappointment.
I sketch a small, pained but genuine smile, then realize she can't see it, and I whisper a "thank you" that I doubt she heard. I'm unable to move, so I just watch as Harlyn sits down at the table and removes her makeup with makeup wipes. After a minute of staring, I try to focus on something else, but unfortunately, thoughts of her and Zayden being in the same room come to mind. The tension in the air forbids me from saying a word about their bizarre interaction. I'm in no position to demand explanations.
