I'm who I wanna be

Chapter 30 - I have to decide

      I can't describe the mix of emotions that surge through my body and heart every time Zayden's hands wrap around my waist and his head gently rests either on my hair or shoulder. On one hand, I'm enveloped in exhilaration, an overwhelming and extreme enthusiasm that I can't control and that arises spontaneously and without my volition. On the other hand, there is fear. A feeling originating from my brain, sending alarm signals every time I'm in Zayden's presence. I can never be sure about his intentions, and his lack of addressing the relationship between us only worsens the situation. Considering how everything has evolved in the past few months, I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him. That's exactly why, despite my unexpected reactions in his vicinity, I desire not to get closer to him. That's what reason tells me. It rarely makes a mistake. The problem is, I always forget to listen to it.

      I am the most incapable person when it comes to apologizing. I always end up uttering a pathetic excuse that nobody believes, and as a result, I am laughed at. So, I prefer not to be put in that situation.

      "No," he responds simply, looking at me with confusion, as if unsure and hurt by my desire to end this outing together. "Where do you want to go?"

      I almost murmur "home," but I refrain to avoid any potential argument. Instead, I feign disinterest, checking my Instagram even though I've already seen everything there is to see. Zayden takes my silence as a cue to decide for us, so he simply takes my hand and leads me back to the path we came from, but immediately veers in the opposite direction of my house. I'm fairly certain he knows where my house is, but he doesn't seem to want to go back, and the reason he wants to continue spending time with me remains a mystery to me.

      We veer off the path when we hear a child crying coming from the next entrance. I don't know about Zayden, but I've been traumatized since Harlyn was almost assaulted, so I've become much more attuned to my surroundings. If something doesn't seem right, my feet immediately move as if enchanted. This instinct born from an unfortunate incident is one of the qualities I've been trying to develop as soon as possible because one of my goals is to help others in any way I can. I want to do what I can in this regard, mostly because it makes me feel good, it boosts my self-esteem, which is currently very low, mainly due to the unaddressed and confusing relationship with Zayden, my conflicting feelings for him, and the uncertainty between me and Nevin.

      My heart skips a beat as I see Zayden kneeling in front of the little child, gently wiping away their tears. I stand there, stunned by the adorable scene that shakes my faith once again and fills me with even greater uncertainty. I hate how these acts of kindness always make me reconsider whether to give him a chance, not that I can command my body to stop reacting around him or my mind to stop getting stuck and making foolish decisions, contrary to what I've decided I should do. I don't know why it's so hard for me to stay away, simply put, just like how Michael avoids Harlyn.

      "Why are you crying?"

      The little blond child pulls their cap down over their forehead, trying to hide from Zayden and me, who watch them with concern. Their small body shivers, and it immediately crosses my mind that they might not be dressed warmly enough, and that's why they're crying. Their jacket doesn't seem thick, and it doesn't reach their wrists, being too short. They've probably grown, and their parents haven't bought them a new one.