Modern family: Addition

The funky valentine (1)

Scene: Dunphy household

Phil : Happy valentine's day.

Claire : Oh, happy valentine's day. Aw.

Claire & Phil : Ohh!

Claire : Mwah. So, Fratelli's tonight?

Phil : Hello, cannoli canoe.

(Cut the scene)

Scene: Pritchett household

Jay : I like it. Nice fit. Swanky material.

Gloria : Jay, you look so strong and sexy, Like an Olympic wrestler but with money.

Jay : Your turn.

Gloria : Okay. It's my favorite day in America!

Jay : Happy valentine's day, gorgeous.

Gloria : They're huge! Oh, my god!

Jay : Yeah, those will work.

Gloria : Beautiful.

Jay : You can wear them tonight. I have a surprise.

Gloria : Don't tell me, you're finally taking me salsa dancing! And who's David Brenner?

Jay : Only a Vegas legend.

Gloria : Is he a magician? 'Cause I love magicians.

Jay : He's a comedian.

Gloria : A comedian... It's Valentine’s Day. I thought we were going salsa dancing, not to watch a comedian.

Jay : You're gonna love him. Trust me. The guy's hilarious!

Gloria : Okay. Tell me one of his jokes.

Jay : Well, he doesn't do jokes.

Gloria : Does he have a mallet?

Jay : No.

Gloria : So, then, how does he get hit in the head?

Jay : He doesn't get "hit in the head." He... he makes observations He tells the truth in a funny way. Come on, he has his own " television show" .

Gloria : Who the hell is Johnny Carson?

Jay : Oh, for God's sake.

(Commentary)

Jay : Gloria and I are from different generations, And I won't lie... it isn't always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon and Garfunkel were my lawyers.

Gloria : No, I didn't.

Jay : It was a joke.

Gloria : I don't get it.

Jay : Maybe that's because there's no mallet.

Gloria : Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.

(Cut the scene)

Scene: Pritchett- Tucker household

Mitchell : Just stay in Northern Cal... Did you indicate to
her... ...How long that you were gonna take?

Cameron : Happy valentine's day.

Mitchell : Happy valentine's day.

Cameron : "happy valentine's day, daddy."

Mitchell : Happy valentine's day, Lily.

Cameron : Notice anything different?

Mitchell : Oh, that is cute.

Cameron : "cute"? We spent a lot of time on this.

Mitchell : I don't see how. You just cut up one of your boas.

Cameron : Actually, no, we repurposed it. Okay, well, we just thought it would be a nice surprise.

Mitchell : Well, it's hardly a surprise. I mean, you dress her up for every holiday. I was giving her a bath last night, and I still saw
traces of Martin Luther King behind her ear.

Cameron : All right, not in the spirit. We get it.

Mitchell : No, I'm s... I'm sorry. No, it's adorable. I just... I'm really
nervous about my closing argument.

Cameron : Oh, you've been rehearsing for weeks. You're gonna be great.

Mitchell : Let's hope so.

Cameron : Hey, and I was wondering... Since you're gonna be in court all day...

Mitchell : Yeah, you can open the chocolates.

(Cut the scene)

Scene: Dunphy household

Phil : Bye, honey.

Claire : See you later.

Phil : See you later.

Claire : Phil, what is that?

Phil : You know, we don't have to go to Fratelli's tonight.

Claire : Okay, what do you have in mind?

Phil : Well, I thought you might enjoy a night at a hotel.

Claire : I would. But would you and the kids be okay?

Phil : I meant together.

Claire : I know.

Phil : Oh.

Claire : I know. I know. I got it.

Phil : So... What do you think?

Claire : I think you're not getting any sleep tonight. So you might
want to take a nap at work today.

Phil : I always do.

Claire : Phil? Sweetie. As long as we're talking about being a little
bit... naughty, What would you say to a little... role playing?

Phil : Role playing?

Claire : Mm-hmm.

Phil : I'm in.

Claire : I'll set up sleepovers for the kids.

Phil : And I'll swing by after work to pick you up.

Claire : No, no. Why don't you meet me in the hotel bar and see if you can pick me up there?

Phil : Careful, lady, you're gonna wake up a sexy sleeping giant.
Perhaps I'll be Reginald Appleby, an English gentleman in town
for a polo match.

Claire : Phil.

Phil : Or Mafia from Italy...

Claire : You're kinda wrecking it.

Phil : Oh. It's not a big deal, Claire. I just train tigers for a living.
Too... no?

Claire : No.

(Cut the scene)

Scene: Pritchett- Tucker household

Mitchell : Are these rose petals?

Cameron : Yes, to commemorate our love.

Mitchell : I had to settle.

Cameron : Well, your mom might think so, but a lot of people
think I'm a catch.

Mitchell : No, the case. I-I was this close to nailing it, And then my
client gets scared and settles.

Cameron : I'm sorry. Maybe you'd like a chocolate. Notice that I
have not eaten any of the chocolates.

Mitchell : There were two levels. You know it, and I know it. This
is so frustrating. I had one of the greatest closing arguments of all
time... All about the big government rolling over the little guy. And I even had this great moment at the end where I would point to the state seal and I'd say, "shame!"

Cameron : Oh, that's what you were doing in the shower. I was a little worried. (Door ring bells) Um, that's Manny. I said we would watch him tonight. I hope you don't mind. I didn't know you were gonna be going through all this.

Mitchell : No, it's fine. It might be nice to have him around. He
always makes me laugh.

Cameron : Hi, Manny!

Manny : The universe is cold and loveless.

Cameron : Uh-oh. Bad valentine's day?

Manny : I went for the gold... Fiona Gunderson. I poured my heart and soul into a poem, Left it on her desk. I even burned the edges to make it look fancy.

Cameron : And she didn't like it?

Manny : Oh, she loved it. But this kid Durkas told her he wrote it.

Mitchell : Well, Manny, why didn't you just tell her the truth?

Manny : She was already gone. And she's on a date with him at
my favorite restaurant, Great shakes.

Cameron : How do you know all this?

Manny : I invited her in the poem. Right after the line of, "my love
is deeper than the great lakes."

Cameron : : Okay, well, this is unacceptable.
Mitchell : : Oh, here we go.
Cameron : No, it's not that big of a deal. This is what we're gonna
do. We're gonna shoot over to great shakes, We're gonna get a
table, Manny can reclaim the love of his life. You and I can get a
couple mudslides.

Manny : I don't know. Durkas is gonna be there. I've seen the kid
do a pull-up.

Cameron : Hey, Manny, it's valentine's day. It's not the day you run away from love. It's the day you track it down, tie it up, and take it home. Now, if we can pull this off, you and your little lady friend will be belly up to an ice-cream counter, having a milkshake with two straws. What do you say?

Manny : I like it.

(Cut the scene)

Scene: At comedy show

David Brenner : Thank you. Thank you. Scientists, they don't
know why this is true, but it's true. Women with big rear ends live longer. Men who tell them that, don't. Did you read about this man... The 91-year-old bank robber in Texas? He goes into a bank, you know. "What the hell did I want?" They had over 4,000 photos of him escaping from the bank.

Jay : See? He's funny, huh?

(Cut the scene)

Scene: At hotel

Phil : Mind if I join you? I'm Clive. Clive Bixby.

Claire : Yes, I can see that. I'm Juliana. So, Clive, are you in town for a convention, or do you... just forget your name a lot?

Phil : Pretty kitty has nails. I like that. I'm in town for a trade
show. I design high-end electroacoustic transducers.

Claire : Wow, that is very... specific.

Phil : It's a fancy way of saying I get things to make noise.

Claire : Hmm.

Phil : Two, please. So, what's your story? The miss America
pageant in town?

Claire : Well, you're pretty smooth talker, Clive.

Phil (while popping cigarette in his mouth) : I'm pretty smooth all over.

Claire : Oh.

Waitress : Sir, there's no smoking in here.

Phil : Oh, that's fine. I'm not actually a smok...

Claire : You're quite the boy scout, Clive. Tell me, would you be
interested in earning a merit badge tonight? Do you know
anything about tying knots?

Phil : I probably shouldn't be talking to you. I'm a married man.