Famous

27.

*authors note*
I'm putting a trigger warning on the chapter. They talk about self destruction and abuse. I understand if you don't feel comfortable reading so if you decide not to then scroll to the end cuz there's some important stuff that happens too at the end of this chapter.

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*start of the US tour*
Billie's POV
"Fuck I'm tired." I mumble to myself as I fall down on my own bed in my own hotel room.

You heard that right. To avoid any kind of drama Jake decided everyone should get their own hotel room.

This morning we took a plane that flew out to L.A. we have the rest of the day off, because obviously we're all jetlagged. We have two shows tomorrow and the day after California and then we leave for some other states by bus.

I sigh and take my phone to see I got a messege from Alex, causing me to smile widely.

Alexis: hey, you arrived yet? Hope you're safe, love you X

Me: yeah, we just got to the hotel, I'm all safe, I love you too X

I put my phone in my pocket and close my eyes, but just then there's knock on my door.

"I'm asleep." I shout with my eyes still closed.

"Bil we really need to talk alright." The voice of Blaze calls. I sigh and get up to open the door. We both sit down in front of each other on my bed.

"What up?" I ask lazily.

"I kinda wanted to talk about what happened at home." She says.

"About us being nothing more then friends or about you trying to kill yourself?" I ask in a cold voice.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself. I need you to understand what's going on in my brain." She says.

"All ear." I answer.

"So, I know how Robin felt when he last overdosed, I feel the same. There's this dark black hole in me, a void that needs to be filled. Or a void that needs to destroyed." She says, and I realize I've never really seen her this vulnerable besides the time she told me the story of Robin.

"Destroyed with drugs, I get it." I say and nod my head.

"No you don't, I've always been self-destructive, ever since I was little. I fell from that skateboard, knowing it would make me feel something that felt familiar, I snored that line, knowing the exact effect it would have on me, knowing it would slowly kill a part of me. I lit that cigarette just to feel that burning sensation in my lungs, knowing it was no good for me. I slept with all those girls, not caring if it made me feel like shit the next day. Because that's the feeling that I know." She tells me.

Wow shit, what?

Could it be?

"You've never told me about your parents really." I told her, trying to get some information of her youth.

"What do you wanna know? About my mother that was never around, or my father who couldn't keep his hands to himself?" She asks.

"Shit." I say and shake my head.

"The only thing I've known is pain, Billie, and then Robin came around and Vicky, and you. And I first realized what love actually was, even if it's not romantically. It's feeling I don't know, it's never been taught to me." She explains.

I was about to say something, but she holds her finger to her lips to tell me to be quiet.

"And when someone shows me some kind of affection or love something just blocks in my head, me and love together, it doesn't work and then when we got together in whatever we had it was one big conflict in my head. I just need to have something to take away that void in me so that I can finally learn to accept people in my life properly." She finishes, she doesn't say anything more so I take this as a sign to talk.