Phoenix's Lies

I'm Sorry

(Song for when the two fight and she leaves) 

River

Waking the next morning is rough. My head hurts and I feel sick, sick to my stomach like I'm about to vomit. I'm dizzy too. Dizzy and confused. Where am I?

Sitting up slowly I take in a dark room. Dark walls, navy sheets, dark wooden furniture and a bathroom off to the left. Again from what I can see in similarly dark black, white and dark colours. A desk with a hoodie carefully thrown over. I....I know this room. I know this room so why can't I....

Sitting up all the way I push my hair away from my eyes and clock what I'm wearing. A black and red Ayrith Arrows team jersey with a large red number 12 in bold on the back. Frowning I stand and walk over to the hoodie, noticing that it's a team issue one with the red arrow on the front. Flipping it over I see the same 12 on the back, smaller this time, and bunch the fabric burying my face in it. Instantly the scent of wood smoke, rainwater and exotic spice. Filling me in as to whose hoodie I'm holding, well cuddling really, and who saved me.

My only question is why.

Releasing a low breath I slowly sink to the floor and sit with my back against the wall. Holding the hoodie flat I take another look at the back, noticing the same red 12 in bold lettering that I'd seen in passing when I'd picked it up. My head is spinning. What happened last night? Why can't I remember what happened? I-I need to remember but I can't. I can't. I can't remember so I can only think the worst. Come on. I have to figure it out before....

Then. then it all comes flooding back. The hands. The voices. The pain. The memory I was trapped in from my past and having to re-live at the same time as what happened in that small dark room. Screaming. Screaming as loud as I could for as long as I could. As long as I had a voice. Screaming for someone to help me for anyone to help me. Screaming with all I had but no one did. No one heard me until it was too late.

"Oh my god," It's as if someone has broken a dam inside me as soon as I realise what happened to me last night. What he - they - did to me. The pain they caused me. The scars. "H-how could he..." My words run out then and I feel the world close in around me the longer I'm left alone with only my spiralling thoughts and the hoodie in my hands. My shaking hands refuse to let go of it. It's all I have to ground myself.

Lost as I am, I don't hear when someone comes in and calls my name. Don't see when they kneel near me as my eyes closed as the memories loop endlessly in my mind. Tormenting me as the voices call out, mocking me. My demons pull at their chains and scream to be let loose and join in with the torment. My mind is still too far down its spiral to rejoin reality until I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder. Startled and lost in my memories my mind can't figure out who it is and I jump back, eyes opening and hitting my head on the wall since I'd moved so fast. Vision blurry I try to find something to anchor me back to reality besides the fabric of the hoodie that my hands still grip tight enough the knuckles are white.

"Riv?" The voice of my childhood best friend reaches through the fog in my brain. The memories and demons claw at me for a release. Reaching me and I can suddenly see he's there. There kneeling in front of me is the one person I was sure I'd driven away for good, was done with me. He's still here. "Hey, are you ok I-" I don't let him finish what he's saying before I am leaping across the space between us to him. Nix is just about able to catch me when I refuse to let go of the hoodie now squashed between us.

He holds me gently when I do, his head resting on mine as I break down for the first time in three years - besides the day Ari found me in the restroom - and cry. Just sit there and cry. I keep waiting though. Waiting for the backlash. The comments. The looks. But Nix just holds me gently and lets me cry. "I-I'm sorry mi amado. I-I didn't mean to...."