Phoenix's Lies

Almost Lost....

River

TW: Abuse

The day after seeing Nix at the bar I didn't go to school, too much of a coward to see if he'd go on for round two. To upset to stomach hearing the comments that will no doubt come for me should I step a foot back in those halls. Too afraid.

Afraid that my mother will come back for me. She will come back for me and then it will hurt. She will hurt me, hurt El. Maybe even do what she threatened years ago. But I just don't know when. When she will come back or what she will do. Hate the constant fear that she can turn up at any moment and make mine and El's lives hell again. Although I also know I'll have little power once she does come. I always do.

But that day passes smoothly and despite wanting to remain vigilant I can feel my body slightly relax. The knot of tension in my gut uncoils enough to let me have some fun with El before the sound of my phone's text tone distracts me,

I'm worried about you. That one's from Ari. the same message she left yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that. And every other day I've missed school in the last two weeks. But it isn't the only message I have.

I'm sorry, please can we talk?

I don't bother to look at the sender then as I return to my playing of the piano so that El can dance as the storm outside has caused her lesson to be cancelled. Not that I mind since I'd taken lessons since I was a kid up until when my dad died and I - we - couldn't afford it any more. Same with the piano. Photography. Art school. All the things I had to give up when I had to stop being a kid. Not that I don't still try to practise it all when I can.

The music is what I loved though. The way it fills the space up and makes me feel a little less alone. How when I used to dance it would fill me up and drown out the rest of the world. Leading me. Controlling me. Letting me be free. When I still had a life worth living. Choices that weren't all already pre-decided based on the past.

Hope.

Winding the song to a close I see El finish and clap my hands slowly as she siles, curtseys and runs over to me. A huge smile on her face. Beaming from ear to ear with joy I'm glad she still has, and that our rough start to life hasn't killed inside her. Not like it has mine. Hali. Indra. Cordelia. All of us changed too far and too fast for us to be able to save ourselves. Or each other. To save us from the spiral we fell down.

"It looks amazing hermana, well done." She smiles at my words but says little else. The rain and looping music in the speakers that had been playing behind my piano accompaniment filled the silence. I look back at her to see she's tired. Worried. "Hey, are you ok?"

"Worried. What happens when mommy comes back Ri-Ri? Am I safe? Are we?"

I swallow, knowing she doesn't mean for her words to do what they do. Angry that she's put me in that place with what she said. But mostly because I know no matter how much I want to or how hard I try I can't protect her. Can't be the strong protector she needs because I'm afraid. Afraid and alone.

"Remember what I promised you the other night, munchkin? What would happen before I let someone hurt you?" She nods, teary eyes on mine. "That's still true ok. I'll always do the best I can to protect you and keep you safe, no matter what happens to me. You're more important munchkin. You are the most important thing in my life and I'll always, always protect you first. Ok?"

She nods and we sit in silence for a few precious minutes before I hear a car pull up and freeze. Who is it? Outside twin headlights pierce through the rain and something in my gut twists sharply, fear leaving a metallic taste in my mouth as the lights dim and the rain resumes. The music ends. Silence. In my arms, El shakes and I feel my mind tunnel. Protect her. Save her.