Phoenix's Lies

What to Do. Where to Go...

River

The rain continues for the next few days. Days stretch into weeks and I slowly start to feel better physically. Yet the mental strain remains. The strain of wondering if this will set El back, and cause the cancer to make an appearance. Worried that my - our - mother might come back to try and find the two of us and finish off the job once the rain clears and it becomes apparent that we're still alive. Worried about it all.

"Hey, are you ok?" Nix's voice over my shoulder has me turning to him when he approaches me behind the window, jumping a little when I see he's so close. "Sorry, didn't mean to...."

"...It's ok, it's my trauma to handle." I smile and offer a hand. He takes it and stands behind me, arms around my shoulders where I relax. "Sorry I keep reacting like this to you though, I can tell it hurts."

He sighs once, eyes conflicted yet guarded when they meet mine in the reflection. "I get it, all trauma victims work through it differently," I notice he glances at his hands again, a troubled expression rooted there. I frown, what happened to him? He's been so concerned about me that I've never stopped to ask him what happened before when he was away. Something must have happened since I'm not blind. He's changed, and not all in a good way. He was guarded and keeps secrets. His anger got worse since he'd had issues with it when we were kids but it seemed to be more than that. Deeper. A more painful change.

Placing my hands in the pockets of his hoodie I'm still borrowing, I find what I want and close my fingers around it. Feeling where I mended it before. "I have something to give back," His eyes in the reflection look confused. I smile. "It's nothing bad I promise."

"Ok, what is it?"

Holding the items gently I close my fingers fully to hide them before pulling out my hand slowly. Nix frowns but doesn't speak, eyes on mine. Smiling wider I uncurl my fingers to show him what I'd saved all those weeks ago. He looks shocked.

"You kept them? I figured you would have thrown them away after what I said. What I did."

"That would have meant I blamed you and gave up on what I was doing."

"Which was?"

I smile wider "Is. I am still doing it, even if I can't tell you and you don't see it."

"You sound like Ari now, all her talk about the 'bigger picture' whatever that means." Nix sounds frustrated, something that gets a smile out of me. Laughter too. "What?"

"Nothing mi Amado. Nothing." He scowls but doesn't say anything else. "I kept them because even if you'd decided I no longer meant anything to you, you still mean something to me. I just don't know how to tell you since you seemed to be avoiding me."

He looks upset now, Eyes shadowed with regret. Pain. "I never meant for you to feel like that Riv. I just didn't know what to say. Not without hurting you more."

Silence spreads between us then as I return my eyes to the window. Watch the rain continue outside. He watches me in the reflection, eyes haunted and miserable. Sighing I lean back and let him hold me up as my demons scream. The voices are quiet but still there. Taunting me. I try not to think about the future but it's hard when the world goes silent. Lonely too.

"Thank you, for saving them for me. I missed having a piece of you with me when I couldn't see you."

I let out a sigh, "I think a part of us was always with each other, even when you were away."

Placing one of his hands over my heart he leaves it there, eyes confused. "We still carried the memories and feelings, we just didn't want to show it. To ourselves or others."