Phoenix's Lies

He Knows. He Knows.

River

The second the silence starts I'm terrified. More so than when I was trying to hold back the anger. Then when I was face to face with Derek and the gun. Then when I'd seen the text saying that Ivar knew where we were and who we were because then I could delude myself into thinking it was ok. He didn't know he was guessing. Just fishing. But now? Now I can't be so sure. Not anymore.

Staggering to my feet the severity of what happened falls on my shoulders and I wobble on my feet, needing a hand to use the wall to get over to the other side where he's not moving. He's not moving. The words echo around in my head and I shiver, trying to dull the ache inside where I can't think what not to imagine. Dropping to my knees I take one of Nix's hands in mine and place my other one over his left side, holding my breath until the beat of his heart pushes against my fingers and I can let out the tears I've got locked in my throat. He's still alive.

The words are music to me but I can tell he's hurt since the last time I pushed I didn't see where he ended up. Just heard the crack and silence. Suddenly I'm terrified that I've done something irreparable and my body shakes. "A-Ash?"

"Riv?" I can hear but do not see him for a second until he comes to kneel on Nix's other side. "Is he..."

I sniff, "He's breathing, yeah but he's not moving. A-Ash I heard something c-crack. What if..." I shiver again as I hold the hand I still have tighter in mine and try to get him to move. "What if it happened again? If I did that again." Shame swallows me along with guilt for a second before Ash sighs and looks over at me.

"He needs a hospital that much I know, but other than that I don't think we can know until we all get out of here. Something that given how your coward of an ex ran once his job was done should be easy." I sob once and hold Nix's hand tighter, terrified I'll lose him. "Riv, he'll be ok. He's strong, just like you are. I'm sure it'll be fine."

I nod and try to blink the tears out of my eyes but the more I try to push back the more replace them until I'm about two thin seconds away from breaking completely. Ash seems to notice and hugs me as he picks Nix up off the floor and offers me his other hand. Breathing shallowly I stand on unsteady feet and let him put an arm around my shoulders so I don't fall. "Can...can you tell A-Ari what ha-happened?" I don't think I can without shattering like glass and right now that's the last thing I need. Can handle.

"Already did. She is on her way to meet us at the hospital now Riv. Come on, we need to get moving." I nod and we start walking together. In no more than two minutes we're out and I'm sitting in the back of Ash's car with Nix next to me whilst Ash locks up. Swallowing, I keep my arms around Nix and rest his head on my lap. Noticing how much I managed to hurt him as he did me. Biting my lip to hold in the sob I hear when Ash comes back, Looking up his eyes meet mine for a second before we start to move.

The next few hours are blurry. I remember getting there. Seeing them take him from me to check what happened. Remember arguing that I won't be seen until they figure out what happened to Nix. Waiting to see what was wrong. Ash and I came up with a cover story for what happened but it's hard to swallow since I know the real reason why Nix isn't waking up. The real monster behind what happened to him and it isn't an attack in the dark gone wrong. Not a faceless stranger we can't ID since we didn't see them. It's me.

Me. I'm the monster. I did this.

By the time I've semi-snapped out of it, I find myself sitting in an overly bright hospital room. The fluorescent lights sting my eyes. My chest hurts where my ribs are broken but I was eventually persuaded to get seen and the nurses managed to at least start to fix what happened to me. Though it doesn't look as bad as Nix does where he still hasn't moved. I don't either. I just sit there and wait to see when he wakes up. Hoping he can forgive me for whatever I did.