Phoenix's Lies

Conversation

(For the conversation between River and her mother) 

River

The Next Morning

The next morning I woke up with a stiff back and sore muscles from falling asleep on the floor. For half a second I'm confused, not sure what happened before it all comes back to me. The nightmare. Our conversation. Holding my best friend as he cried and broke inside for the first time in years. The way the nightmares seemed to break him in a way I'd never seen before. That scared me.

Looking down he hasn't moved an inch, his head still on my shoulder and arms wound around my neck as if I'm the only support he has. Glancing down with a sigh, Nix's face isn't as peaceful as before but it's not the painful expression from the nightmares. Something I won't push him to talk about until he's ready. Just like I know he hasn't asked me despite knowing that he must have seen or at least heard my nightmares at least once by now given how long he's been looking after me.

Using one hand I smooth his hair away from his eyes, heart aching when I make out the silvery tear tracks dried on his skin. Wishing I could do something to help but not knowing what. Feeling powerless all over again for something I wish I could fix. It's then that I realise just how selfish I've been. Trying to keep my problems buried until they rise and I can't deal. All he's been trying to do is help and all I've done is push him away. Selfish, spoiled idiot. I curse, holding him a little tighter when he does the same to me, a frown crossing his face for a second before he relaxes again. Tilting my head I can see it's just shy of seven. We'd need to get up soon.

I was always one for early mornings though, ever since what happened to my dad and having to watch my back for mine and El's mother I've never slept in past six beyond about five or six am so to be asleep this late is a luxury. Possibly because I'd been awake at night with Nix. Possibly because I knew I was safe. Either way, it's something I made the most of since I'm not sure I'll get a chance to do so again. Time already feels too precious.

Shoulders slumping. I try not to wake Nix up since he seems so tired. I wish I could let him sleep all day like he did me when I collapsed from my ED but I know we don't have that luxury so settle for waiting until his alarm goes off and then just being slow. Maybe walk to school, it's only twelve miles and he is an athlete. I am still considering it when I feel him wake up, moving so his eyes meet mine but it's not a happy look I see. All I can see is that same tired, broken expression from last night. The same pain, grief and loneliness.

"Hey, you ok?" My words are gentle, trying not to spook him since he seems afraid for a second until I realise. This is another side of the nightmares. The ones that don't have him waking up, that don't let him wake up, just trap him in whatever feeling is still in his eyes. "Want to talk about it?" I give him another sideways hug as Nix slumps and leans on me, seeming a lot smaller than I've ever seen him before. "What happened? Another nightmare?"

He nods, tears already coursing down his cheeks again silently as he holds me tight enough that I'd be worried he'd break something if not for how much more worried I am for him. He's shaking slightly again too. Not as badly as last night but still enough to have me worried that he's suffering more than he lets on to either me or most importantly himself. "It was like the last one but more vague. I couldn't make out what images related to what. And the pain....the pain seemed stronger when I couldn't see it because I could still hear. Still, feel. I just couldn't see and it terrified me. Only this time you were there as well. When you turned up half dead and I thought I lost you. God I never want to feel that empty again. Not like when you were gone."

He bows his head again, my shoulder damp from his tears and my chest aching as I take in his words. When I realise just how much he always did care, even when I was convinced he didn't. When I thought I was alone since Nix got back he was always there to remind me that I wasn't that I had him and so many other people. But I never saw how much pain he was in. Is in. I never saw beneath it since his acting skills are so much better than mine that I never even guessed. I doubt any of our friends do since I'm sure I'm the only one he's told the whole truth to. Just like he is for me.