Phoenix's Lies

I Never Knew

Phoenix

"Y-yeah. I wanted to ask about you but I knew that when I talked to him about it I couldn't ask you. It was too soon and I hadn't decided if I was going to tell you my side. To let you into my life rather than push you away. And I knew that by opening up about the past it would look like I'd made my decision already. But I still wanted to know. To see if I could help. To get to know you enough to see that maybe, selfishly, that would choose for me. To keep you or let you go." Riv's tone is sharp and words are rushed as if she's waiting for me to reply. To tell her how I took it.

But I'm not sure how to. Not sure what to say. "And what did you decide?"

I wait then, not knowing what to say to her other than that. How to respond to her words before. She remains quiet as well. Something that doesn't bode well given what I asked. It hurts then, to know that even with what we've said tonight she might pull away. Might push me away. Leave me again. Yet I try not to jump to conclusions either, knowing from our brief conversation about the past that it does no good to do so.

Eventually, she replies. "I still don't know." She sounds torn. Hurt. "I wanted to keep you safe, still do. What finally made my mind up was admitting to myself how I felt for one but also Ari said she could help me keep you safe but I had to tell you about this first. Yet now I have it doesn't feel any better. Maybe there is no way around it. No easy way to cheat grief and heartache. I want to try this with you. Keep us together. As friends or as something more, I'm not sure what the ending of our story is but I want to try and hold onto it. To us. I missed it. But I also can't do so if you'll end up dead." I open my mouth to tell her what I have before but she just shushes me. Eyes on mine. "And yet something Ari said reminded me of something I'd forgotten. My mother took all my choices from me for the past five years. Controlled my whole life. Ari reminded me without using the exact words that by deciding if I wanted to keep you with me, to tell you the past, in part, I was making it for you. In her way, she reminded me that if I didn't let you decide for yourself I was turning into the one person I hate the most. I would have done what my mother would. I would have become her." I feel her shiver and hold her closer. "I couldn't turn into her without losing the last pieces of myself that I have. The ones I still can't reach but see inside me. That you do. I couldn't turn into her. Not after what she'd done. To me, El, Hails, Indra, Delia. I couldn't do it so I had to tell you. Let you decide for yourself. In or out?"

I smile then, "Deja vu." She chuckles again as we remember the race and her offering to let me go or stay and see it for all the magic it was. "But thank you, and I'm not leaving. If that means I've signed onto a life of running or hiding I'll do it. Because you're too important to lose Riv. Not again."

She sighs and taps the inside of my arm closest to her, the tattoo of the crying, bleeding heart shining. "Wouldn't want to add to that, would we? Even if I may have been the cause, at least in part." I shake my head at her but she just sighs, eyes tired and sad. "It's ok. We were both part of each other. I can accept it. Life isn't fair. Something we'll do well to remember in the future."

"Yeah me too," I tap the spider web on my other arm and she lets out a low sigh, eyes troubled. "And I'm not mad that you spoke to my dad about me. Surprised yeah but not mad. I get why." She smiles a little then. "Only four more stories left."

"You mean tattoos don't you, like I had stories with mine. Have stories with me." I don't speak then, knowing I do. Memories and stories. "Hey, if it's-"

"-No it's ok." I see that she's put her shirt back on and feel a smile curve my lips as I take mine off to show her the last of my stories. My secrets. Hesitantly I feel her fingers trace the ones she can see and shivers shoot under my skin. She lingers on the left one. "My lion to your lioness. I got it after I lost my mom and Luna. To remind myself to keep going when it was hard when life felt stacked against me."