The Fall Ball

36.Della

Sitting on the bleachers was uncomfortable, and it was even worse walking here with Lucy. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't ditch Janice and Maya, and they wouldn't buy any lame excuses I could think of.

Lucy and I didn't talk or even look at each other after our heated exchange.

She and Kacey cheered from their seats behind us while I tried to match Janice and Maya's enthusiasm as they watched the game and talked to Kacey. Luckily, nobody was taking any pictures. I was not in a mood to fake a smile. Pretending to enjoy the game while sitting close to Lucy was hard enough.

I hate pretending.

I hate pretending everything was alright between us when it has never been. I hate pretending I was over Chase. He and Lucy never bothered hiding the fact they were a thing. As unfortunate as I was, I was always there when they were indulging in public displays of affection not giving a care in the world. I've seen them in the lunchroom, him sitting with a hand draped over her shoulder, walking holding hands and sharing quick kisses in the hallway

How can Lucy possibly think we can be friends when she lied to me about just being friends with him?

When was she going to tell me she was actually with him? Why was she always the one who got everything she wanted without even trying?

It felt like the universe was playing a cruel joke on me, reminding me of my place in the world.

I tried to focus on the game, on the back-and-forth between the teams, but my mind kept drifting back to Lucy.

I know she wasn't necessarily trying to 'set me up' that guy, whoever he was. I shouldn't have snapped at her, but I really wanted to. I've been looking for a reason, any reason, to justify my reaction. Even the slightest thing would have pushed me over the edge, and being introduced to a guy was already too much.

It was just like when I overheard her Mom saying bad mouthing about mine; that was the final straw that made me decide to distance myself from her.

You can't let shit go.

No Lucy, I cannot. If only you knew what I heard that day.

If only you knew how bitter I get every time I was with you.

If only you knew how much I envied you-how could I not?

You have two loving and stable parents, whereas my real dad had paid my mom to keep her distance and for most of my life my mom struggled to make ends meet with a series of jobs.

You got to throw fancy birthday parties every year, new stationary, new toys, new outfits, lavish vacations and even got to continue piano classes when I had to quit mine because my Mom couldn't afford it at the time.

Despite it all, Lucy was painfully unaware of how privileged she was, while I had realized my lack of thereof much much sooner and at a very young age.

It wasn't her fault, of course, but it sometimes made it difficult for me to fully relate to her. There were times when my envy of her drove me to sheer jealousy and bitterness.

But she was my oldest friend, I met her before the realities of my circumstances hit me. I couldn't just distance her.

We first became friends when I walked into my new second-grade class. I hadn't given much thought when I had walked over to sit next to her.
"What's your name?" She had asked me. "Della." I had said shyly. I still remember Lucy's smile of wonder as she had told me, "Della? That's the prettiest name I have ever heard! Straight out of a fairytale. Much better than plain Lucy."
I had disagreed and the rest was history.