Yes, Master

Ch 43: Hatred

  Lara

  How was it possible for such thing to effect me so drastically? How was I letting it effect me so easily? I knew this. I knew this from the very damn beginning.. The first time our eyes locked, I knew what kind of a monster he was..

  And yes, perhaps I let his gorgeous looks trick me.. Letting him take me under his spell.. Letting him touch me, worship me like no other.. I suppose it could've all been nothing  but a distraction from his true self.. Making me forget what his true self actually was..

  But Christ, the screams that I heard down there messed with my mind.. I shouldn't have cared. It would've been a lot more damn easier if I just didn't say anything.. That way he wouldn't have been so triggered.. Perhaps he wouldn't have said all the things that he did.

  I was never the girl that kept it all to herself.. No, I was the opposite kind. I said everything that was on my mind, and sometimes that only meant trouble, sometimes even the beginning of the end, but either way, I should've considered who I was talking with.

  Xander wasn't exactly easy to handle.. Not at all. I could spent hours and hours trying to convince him in something that often was a result of some of his psycho moves, yet he would still hold onto his rage and make it seem like I was the one that angered him. It was insanity trying to find an end to an argument with him. There was no way..

  And perhaps you could say that he usually won in a way.. But not this time.. Because this time, I was the one that was right. I was the one that had the right to be damn furious about everything..

  It's funny how I was aware of this at the beginning, yet how time went by, I forgot what kind of habits this man had.. What kind of damn sick games he could play..

  Whoever it was that was down there was in pain, and I didn't exactly expect him to do such deeds.. No, the worst scenario that I ever imagined him in was ripping someone's heart out, because, as unbelievable as it sounds, I've seen it happen, a few times actually..

  And no, I was not expecting him to change because of me, but these kind of changes were not supposed to be a choice to hesitate about. It was a really serious problem that he was not even trying to see, trying to cross out.. It was fuckuįng despicable to see him in such way.. 

  I was not planning on accepting that part of him though.. Yes, he was right.. He said, will you still let me let me touch you.. No, dammit that was not the point in this whole situation. No, the point was,- I didn't even know what the point was at that point, I just knew that I was furious, lost and damn tired of all of it. I was tired of rethinking it for the billionth time.. For trying to find him an excuse for why he would do that..

  Well, what if there was no excuse? What if there was no saving him? What then? Will I still let him touch me, worship me, 'adore me'? I wish that was up to me.. I would've never really let him do any of those things if it was up to me.. But it fucking wasn't.

  Around him, I forgot about all the things he was doing, all the things that he was, and I simply felt alive. I let myself fall so hard under his spell that now, I couldn't find my way back. Like tin chains around my whole body, I was held captive underneath his spell, and there didn't seem a way to find release. No, only more hatred towards myself for letting such monster dominate my feelings.. Dominate me whole.

  I thought, perhaps there was no salvation. I had already sold my soul to the devil.. How was I going to get it back? But, the fury I felt for all the things I realized that bight, all the things he said to my face.. Oh that's what held me sane. That anger, that frustration, that curiosity and need for answers for that mysterious HOW.. How was he doing this? How was he acting so cold after saying that he loved me? How the hell was he the same person as the man that couldn't do a thing to hurt me? The man that put my needs before his all the damn time and didn't even blink about it..