New Dawn

{22} - Past regrets

Arisa P.O.V.

We headed back without a word. We stayed in comfortable silence, content with each other's company. There were too many words that swirled in each of our heads but not a word would come out. Maybe we were too scared or maybe we wanted to just live in the moment and shake off the memories of the past. Maybe it was both. 

We arrived at the hut and settled down. I was at a far corner, cowering away from any form of physical contact. This position felt quite nostalgic. It reminded me of the years I spent in the corner wallowing on what could have been.

~DREAM WORLD~

I was stepping on a lush green, well trimmed lawn with an unmistakable porch. The hedge around the garden was just as I had last seen it. Green and imposing. In the middle of my backyard-look-alike was a girl who looked exactly like me tentatively opening up to a tanned male on her side. I sucked in a breath. I knew this scenario and I just wish I don't have to relive it.

The 'me' wiped her sweaty palms on the mowed grass in hopes of ridding them of the feeling of stickiness. Though 'she' probably did it because she was beyond nervous. The two hadn't , not once, looked in my direction. It was almost as if they didn't know I was here. I silently wished they did. I didn't want to hear this.

Despite my fervent wishes the two continued to converse. I stood there at the side, wishing for this torture to end. I had not realized it but to ever word that left the 'me' I had mouthed with great precision.

"Since we're playing the game twenty questions to get to know each other, it goes without saying that there will be no questions left unanswered nor is any question 'going overboard', capishe?" The 'me' proudly stated, even going as far as jumping up in vigor. The unenthusiastic male only grunted in response. It was neither yes nor no and yet the 'me' acted as if he had answer the affirmative in the same manner as she did.

"Okay! I start...uh... favorite color?"

"Gold"

"...same question"

"Fushia with a blend of red."

"Favorite animal?"

"...Dragons"

"...same question"

"squire- Hey! Take this seriously! We have to get to know each other. Continuing on like this will do us no good!" The 'me' complained. God how I wished she hadn't said that. Asphodel raised an eyebrow and sat up. He looked 'me' in the eyes and huffed.

"You want serious? Okay then. Why did you lock yourself up inside your room? There must be some kind of dark secret to your shut-in-ness." His voice was dead serious. There was no trace left of the lazy tone he used a while ago. And that that was the moment 'I' knew I fucked up. 'My' face gave away my thoughts. I tried my best to leave. I would give anything to take off and never return. 

"I-I... haha" She stuttered but she completely disregarded it and laughed it off. "Let's not talk about that. How about we-"

"No, no. you said if yourself no question will be left unanswered." She gulped and started fiddling with her thumbs. 

"We- I- It" She scoured her mind for the right words to say. It was a topic she never had to explain, nor did she want to. She took a deep breath and calmed her thoughts.

"We weren't originally a family of three." She starts, her voice shaky. "A few years back, we were a happy family of four. Well I thought we were happy". Her voice was no longer preppy and giddy. It was replaced by a gloomy shit storm of regret and bitterness. "I had a twin, two minutes my junior, we were exactly alike. Copied and pasted down to every freckle and dimple." She suddenly threw her head back in a laugh, it wasn't like any Asphodel's heard before and neither did I. It was slow and sardonic. It was sad and hopeless. It was a laugh void of any happiness the girl had once displayed. "It was funny how no matter how similar we looked, we were nothing alike. The lack of similarities drew us apart to the point when I'd forget I even had a twin, another half, another soul that completes mine. To this day the only thing I truly knew about her was her passion for theater. Shit sister, am I right?" The girl mocked herself. Her voice was laced with malice mixed with an ounce of regret. Her eyes were cold and her words colder. How could she bear to put herself down like that?

"We were like strangers. We barely talked, barely connected. We were nothing like those cliched twins who wore the same clothes and spoke in unison. She was her own person and as was I. She had her own friends and as did I. She faced her own problems and as did I. It happened in advanced calculus. This was one of the classes I had with my twin but she wasn't here today. She called in sick, her stomach ached she said. I-I" The 'me' stopped. She mulled over what to say, how to word it.

"It felt like... like a part of me was missing, as cliche as that sounds, like a part of me was suddenly just gone in a snap and I could do nothing about it. I ignored this feeling. I fucking ignored it. WHY DID I IGNORE IT?" Her words gradually rose in volume. Her eyes were distant, almost as if she was no longer in the backyard talking to Asphodel but was in front of her twin's peaceful face hanging from a rope. 

Asphodel called out my name in hopes of bringing 'me' back. 'I' was long gone though. The guilt was eating 'me' alive and it didn't take a genius to figure out that 'I' was blaming myself.  Asphodel decided to place his hands on my waist and pulled 'me' to him. He petted 'my' head and soothed 'me' with words of sweet nothings. 'I' was still in my own world though.

"I ignored it. I ignored it. I ignored it." 'I' chanted like a mantra. Oddly enough 'I' wasn't sobbing like the world was ending, which I should have been doing because my world WAS ending, 'I' was just saying words over and over again with a crazed look on 'my' face. It was a comical sight, really. A hot half naked male was holding and comforting a crazy looking black haired woman who was saying something under breath.

My feet suddenly moved without my thinking. I was walking away from the scene. I opened the sliding doors to the house to find everything frozen. Mother was raising her fist at Dad who was slinging his arm over her shoulder probably slurring their anniversary song. My feet were taking me to a place I haven't been in for the longest time. I opened the door and started walking down the stairs. Plop. Plop. Plop. Each step rang through my head as my racing heart deafens me. I will myself to turn around and leave before the memories start flooding but they don't listen.

I stood in the center of the room. Everything was left untouched from that day. The bottle of white paint we were supposed to use to paint our fence was still open. Nails and screws were still littered all over the workbench. A small stool was still knocked over because...

There was a piece of paper at my feet. I knew what it was from a glance. I struggled against myself and fought for control. I can't read this again. I'd been so strong so far. I can't break. Not now. Not ever.

Despite my screaming mind, I picked the paper up. The same words from that day stared back at me. 

"I've decided to take a break from being the perfect twin, the perfect mirror.I am going to put myself to sleep now for a bit longer than usual. Call it Eternity.

Oh my beautiful, perfect family, you deserve so much better than me. I'm a wreck and a failure. Replace me and be happy." 

It wasn't anything long. It could have even be considered short but it showed all of my shortcomings as her older sister. If I had been there for her she wouldn't have had to play the role of 'the perfect twin'. If I had just understood her just a little bit more she wouldn't have had to act like 'the perfect mirror'. If I had just listened to her problems, I could have prevented this. If only

I expected full-on waterworks but I felt nothing. I was numb. I felt disgusting. My twin sister died and yet I haven't, not once, shed a tear for her. 

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I opened my eyes to see the roof of the hut. I peered outside and realized it was still in the dead of the night. That dream felt so long and yet only 2-3 hours had past. It was a puzzling phenomenon. There was something warm nuzzling up to my form. I looked down and was greeted by red hair. I smiled and ran my hand through Yona's hair. The numbness I felt inside the dream had felt so real, so raw but just seeing her had made all those feelings fade away. She slowly, bit by bit, filled my heart up with warmth and wholesomeness I had long lost.

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'Maybe this time I can do it right'