Selene || Remus Lupin

Ch. 95 - Lupin Alone

Remus' POV

It had been three days since Remus had left Selene under the protection of their cottage. Three days since the wedding had been ambushed. Three days that he'd been tailed by a stray Death Eater. Remus had only just been able to shake him, finally losing him as he Apparated to an old woody area that his father had taken him to as a child to transform during the full moons.

Remus considered going back to the cottage.

You're not good enough to be a father. Never good enough.

He wasn't sure he was ready to go back just yet.

What if she loses the baby again? She wouldn't be able to live with herself. It'd be your fault.

Remus exhaled sharply, and then he turned on the spot and vanished.

With his next inhale, he looked around, finding himself in a familiar spot. He could see the little headstone on top of the hill, only just a little ways away from the cottage – from Selene. Trying to ignore the pang he felt from the knowledge that he was so close to her – he should be with her – he trudged up the hill, kneeling in front of the headstone.

"Hi, Eliza, my darling."

He paused, taking in a shaky breath, a sob pushing its way up his throat.

"It's – it's Dad," he said, and he pressed his hand to his mouth, biting down on his fingers to keep from crying out in anguish. "A few days ago – a few days ago I found out that your mother – she's – she's pregnant. She's going to have a baby. And I should be happy, but instead – instead I'm terrified."

His vision blurred with tears. "What if – what if we lose the baby? We've already lost you... What if something happens, what if something goes wrong?"

The sobs had forced their way up his throat, and he cried out, his head in his hands.

"Oh, Eliza, I can't lose her... I can't lose either of them... I want to be happy, but – but I don't know how."

He kneaded his forehead with the palms of his hands, his vision swimming because of his tears.

"I'm just so scared of so many things," he said softly. "Of – of the baby being like me, of having my lycanthropy. Or – or that something goes wrong, and – and we lose the baby, and it – it destroys your mother. I don't think she could go through that again, Eliza. I don't think she could survive another loss like yours."

He exhaled shakily, finally raising his head to gaze at the little headstone.

"And – and what if everything goes alright? Then the baby grows up, and he or she hears how the world truly views me, and – and my kind... I – I don't want to be the kind of father whose kid is ashamed of him, and I don't want my kid to have to endure the prejudice that I would undoubtedly bring upon them."

Another sob crashed into his throat, causing his shoulders to tremble.

"But I'd take all of that – all of it – if Selene would just be alright, that she'd get what she wanted – that she'd be happy."

But would she truly be happy if you weren't?

A thought occurred to him. It was his only option – his best option.

"Eliza, darling, I'm so sorry, I've – I've got to go. I promise I'll be back soon."

And then he Disapparated.

When he reappeared, he was on the top doorstep of Grimmauld Place, his hand on the doorknob. He took a deep breath, tapped on the door with his wand, and unlocked the door.