Elements of Fire

27. Finding Ourselves

"Aarya what do you mean?" she asked moving closer to him.

"Draupadi" he said with some disdain "Arjun was right in a way. You are caged here. This palace has become a prison house for you." 

"No, Aarya" she uttered completely taken aback "Not at all. I have not been fre—"

Karna's grasp, rather harsh, on her elbow stopped her form articulating her sentence midway. He pulled her near his majestic bed. Draupadi was too surprised to even think as Karna abruptly pushed her down on one of the corners of the bed.

Karna leaned in closer to her. He rested one of his hands on the headboard and the other on a pillow beside her waist, locking her in the process.

"You still do not feel caged, Draupadi?" he said huskily.

Draupadi could only stare at him. His handsome face, so close to her own, looked ethereal in the steady silvery white moonlight mixed with the soft golden light of the low flickering lamps lit around the chamber. It was... mesmerising. The end of his angvastra(upper garment) was brushing against her saree. Her gaze lingered to his  bare, well sculpted chest for a split second. She blushed. She hurriedly focused on his face again.

"No" she said shaking her head.

Karna inhaled deeply. A heavenly scent invaded his nostrils. She smelled of exotic lotuses.

"Aarya" she whispered as his hot breathes fanned her face, tickling against the little beads of sweat that had appeared on her forehead "I have never been given so much of importance in all my life... A respect that has no conditions attached to it..."

One of his knees was on the mattress giving him support. She lightly clutched the end of his angavastra involuntarily. It was almost an unconscious move but it indubitably registered in her husband's conscious mind making him withdraw himself.

"I am sorry" he said, looking around uncomfortably, standing at the near the edge of the bed in front of her.

"Aarya. It is alright" she reassured "Besides we were talking about something else."

"Hmm. Yes..." he began awkwardly. Radha ma was right, his temper could take the most unpredictable turns.

"Aarya, in Anga I have got many things. This is in no way a prison house for me. Respect is not only crowns and status and positions of power. It is the feeling that emanates from the heart."

'Not pawning them in a game after bedecking them in riches' she wanted to add but decided against it.

"Panchali, you can't even express your feelings freely here. You can't even say if you like me or don't like me" he said gazing at her intently "Even if I mistreat you, you won't be able protest. Not that I ever would—"

"You never would do anything to harm me Aarya" she said softly "I know it. I have faith in you. I genuinely admire you for who you are."

"Panchali, you are saying that because there is no one here with you other than me. You are isolated from the world. It is only with more people can you make a real choice."

"No" she said taking a deep breath, "In the midst of too many people and influences I never had any choice. From my maiden days, my swayamvar, my marital life, to being queen at Indraprasth, there were too many people around me. Do you think I ever exercised my choice?"

She looked at him. His eyes silently pleaded her to continue.

"No. It is in solitude that we can truly think for ourselves, what we want in the unending spiral of circumstances and people."

In one swift motion, he had covered the distance between them and placed his fingers near her eye, wiping away a stray tear before it crossed the length of her cheek. She smiled softly. She hadn't even noticed.

"So, Panchali" he began tenaciously "What did you want?"

"A life of true respect and dignity, where you can explore on your own with the company of the other but not influence or pressure" she said looking into his eyes "A life entwined with yours, where we find ourselves, our present and a beautiful future. In Anga I have found myself, Aarya."

He said nothing gazing up at her steadily. Draupadi was unsure what he could be thinking.

"Aarya, why are you kneeling on the floor? Come sit up here" she said to begin the conversation.

"I am just admiring my beautiful wife" he whispered smiling sweetly "And this is a good position to do so."

He wrapped one of her hands in his big palm. Draupadi looked away shyly.

"Henceforth Panchali, we will always try to be honest with each other. We are not going to hesitate in talking with one another."

She nodded happily. Karna cocked his head slightly, smiling his heavenly smile which he knew his wife loved so much. Draupadi blushed as a subtle smirk blended with his smile.

"We should sleep now Panchali" he said "It has been a long day."

"Yes we should" she agreed, proceeding to get down from the bed when her husband caught her shoulders, halting her.

"No Panchali, don't go today" he said abruptly as she gaped at him in surprise and even some nervousness.

"If you go tonight, then there may be gossip that either of us has spurned the other" he explained gently "Look I will go sleep on the divan out there. See you can't even see it from here. Sleep well Panchali."

"Sure Aarya. Sleep well."

She smiled gaily, as Karna disappeared from her sight to another corner of the chamber. She made a mental note to thank Radha ma the next day. She had been right, Karna was such a soft soul albeit hard from the exterior.

Her eyes closed as Goddess Nidra overtook her, dreaming of the new day to come.