Alice in Borderland

Chapter 27 - Ludo

Since yesterday it has been raining continuously. The military squad and some running boys have made sure that all the drinks in the bars are brought inside and deposited in one of the club rooms. I immediately grabbed three bottles for my room so as not to have to push me through the foggy and stuffy party area.

I have been scribbled on my block since yesterday and tried to draw everyone: Izumi, Yuudai, Kuina, Chishiya even Aguni, Satoru, Niragi and the Hatmaker. Izumi stopped by to see if I wanted to have breakfast with her, but I thankfully declined. Meanwhile it is afternoon and I sit leaning against my bed. I made myself comfortable in front of the window, with a glass and a bottle of gin.

I don't have to leave my room again today, let alone expect to visit. The weather relaxes me somehow, although not like the rain yesterday. Since I've been in the beach, only the sun has been shining and I haven't noticed how much I missed the clouds and the cloudy weather.

Why I drink at the time is probably due to my new nightmares. They include not so much the forest floor and the man with the grinning frat, but more the woman from the police car. In my games, I may have helped people die. Like my poker game at the casino. But I haven't killed anyone in Borderland until the Pik10 game. I can't say how I should feel about it. Should I be saddened to have taken a life? Happy because I survived? Righteous that there is less of an evil man? Angry what happened with? Somehow there is a void, maybe I haven't handled it all properly yet and will eventually be showered with a wall of guilt feelings.

I give in and start playing with my black rubber ball. I seem to be so engrossed in my mind that I don't notice Kuina coming in and lying across my bed. When her head appears next to mine, I am terrified of what makes her laugh.

"I'm really wondering what's going on in your little head," she laughs, slightly tapping on the back of my head. I just laugh and want to reciprocate when I notice a smell. I get up and sit on the bed opposite her. My gaze glides to the two tablets with rice and goulash.

"I thought we could have dinner together and play a round of 'Ludo'," she explains, smiling thankfully at her.

"Thank you, I've been getting really hungry"

I quickly eat a full fork and then put my tray on my bedside table. I build up the board and make sure that my figures are right in the middle of their seats. I roll with one hand and I still play the rubber ball with the other.

"What did you do all day?" I ask.

"I was here and there. The entrance area and the club rooms are full, I never thought it could smell more of alcohol in the hotel," she says, warp her face, "I thought that's why you stayed in your room all day."

"That too. The weather is just reassuring. I could sit in front of the window all the rest of the day and night and look at the pool area."

She looks out of my window and nods thoughtfully. We look back at the board and keep playing. I notice her gaze sliding to the rubber ball in my hand, but I don't let anything be noticed.

"You got the ball from Chishiya, right?"

"Yes, why?"

"I saw him with it and I thought he wasn't for him"

She laughs slightly and I bite on my lower lip. I have been trying for two days to raise the issue of Chishiya with her. If anyone knows why Chishiya has behaved like this in the last four days, it is her. 

"Do you know what's going on with him? I mean, if I said something wrong or he's angry about something," I ask cautiously.

"What do you mean?"

I can see from her voice that she wants to help me but apparently doesn't understand what I mean. I don't think Chishiya told her about the content of our conversation, so I'm a little more picky with my choice of words.

"We haven't spoken since you were here together. Yesterday we saw each other in the aisle, but I think he ignored me"

"Well, we're talking about Chishiya," she laughs, "He ticks differently than most. Ordinary people think with their instincts and emotions, he just thinks logically. Sometimes I'm not even sure he can feel like us"

I thought so, but nevertheless I meticulously searched for an answer. It's just his idiosyncrasy. Kuina seems to realize that I'm sinking back into my mind and takes my arm.

"Don't try to understand him, you're just smashing your head. And don't worry, at some point he'll talk to you again"

"How do you know he's not suddenly ignoring me like everyone else?" I laugh at her, to prevent her from hearing a slight concern in it.

"Well through the ball," she says only to see us back to my hand. This time I follow her gaze and turn it slightly in my hand. I really hope she is right. When I look up again, she smiles at me this time and I try to focus on our game with a grin.

"Say Kuina, since when is the food in the beach so good?", I pull my eyes together and only now I notice how delicious the goulash actually tastes.

"On a caring trip, they picked up a man who is a chef. It even supposedly had its own restaurant," she says, and it seems to taste as good as i do.

"Let's hope he stays alive," I notice more than a bad joke. The food otherwise looked more like a pamphlet, which is why I kept to yogurt, fruits and ice cream. But if there is this food now, I have to torment myself from my room to the crowded canteen.

"When are you playing again, Sayuuri?"

"I think in four days, at the latest five days. I hope i'll be fully functional again by then"

We keep playing and when I realize their concentrated facial expression I decide to let her win. In the last few days I've always won and I remember losing to my parents in games. She seems to notice nothing and smiles happily as she throws one of my characters.

"Do you ever talk to someone about that on your back?"

She looks at me from the board and I shrug involuntarily. I pull myself back together in the same second and grab my glass of gin next to my bed.

"Maybe when the beach gets its own psychiatrist," I laugh and drink a big sip.

"I'm not saying you have to talk to me, but maybe Izumi"

"I promise you that if I feel the urge to talk about it, I will entrust myself to someone. But only if we change the subject"

She looks at me for a moment and turns on her straw before nodding and turning back to the game. Izumi has also addressed it more than once and slowly I get angry at the subject. I mean, I'm not behaving crazy or traumatized. There is no evidence that this game has put a profound emotional or psychological strain on me. The only thing left of the game is my shattered body. But even that is slowly fading away.