Alice in Borderland

Chapter 95

And hopelessly I recognize only too late

The murderous instincts that hate the reins.

Incurable am I, now reason destroyed,

In eternal restlessness a man possessed:

Thought and judgment, as in madness raging

Blindly around the truth wandering to and fro:

Who I praised thee fair, bright thought,

That black as hell and dark as night.

- Shakespeare

The state of grief manifests itself in people in the most diverse ways, yet there are recurring characteristics that shape the definition.

Denial.

After getting over the initial shock, I picked myself up and walked every square inch of my hotel room. Possibly Izumi is still alive and this is all a terribly cruel misunderstanding. Even if her assigned group has returned to the beach there is still a chance.

Niragi wanted to just leave the unconscious Yuudai on the street during my first game, so maybe the same thing happened to Izumi. But then why would Ann tell me directly to my face that Chishiya supposedly killed her? Sometimes there can be no doubt about something. Izumi died, it sounds ridiculous but I feel it through the painful tugging in my chest. But Chishiya didn't kill her.... someone must have misunderstood something or Niragi was exaggerating in front of the forensic scientist. Chishiya doesn't kill for pleasure like he does, but Niragi would have boasted about what he did and not put it off on someone else. No, Chishiya knows how much Izumi means to me, he wouldn't after all....

Anger.

My emotions slowly fought their way to the light and anger spread through me. This stage of grief cost some decorative furniture: Overwhelmed by aggression, there is now a shattered vase on the carpet as well as countless pillows and a cracked dresser mirror hanging on the wall. But immediately the cheap vase left my hand, a feeling of weakness overcame me. Slumped on the floor, I had the urge to scream out loud, to just let out all my frustration. Not wanting other members to overhear, I grabbed one of the pillows to muffle my screams.

Philosophizing about life.

As soon as my voice gave up its ghost, I laid down on the sitting couch wrapped in a blanket and while my blank stare was out the window at the ocean water, my mind working at full speed. I never played a match with Izumi, but for her to have survived this long must mean she was a fighter. A fighter... she fully engaged with another person in this messed up world and was excited. Izumi had no fear or hesitation, I initially thought it was recklessness and stupidity, but maybe she was just brave to let it happen. Until today, I couldn't bring myself to openly admit my feelings towards Chishiya. Izumi made it so much stronger than me in that regard.

Izumi was a member of the beach society even before me. Possibly we all have an expiration date in this world. Not even an entire hotel has been able to collect all the playing cards, so it's only a matter of time before we all die. I've probably already lived longer than I was supposed to. If it wasn't for the Hatter, Ann or Chishiya, I would have been just a rotting corpse long ago, collapsed in a playing field arena.

I guess by now I'm in the fourth stage of grief: depression. After all the mixed and shifting emotions, I'm drained and just lying motionless on the couch. My inner voice is silenced and my thoughts are free. The last stage is acceptance, but I guess it is still too early for that. Sleeping is out of the question, on the one hand because of the expected nightmares, I can't imagine waking up and seeing the hope that everything was just a bad dream.