Mafia's Mate

My feelings

>>Nolan

I can't believe it.

I had no idea I had grown so attached to her. How stupid of me to not realize how much she had grown on me.

Everything feels off without her. The silence is deafening, and I didn't realize how much I relied on her filling the space until now. She had special permission to visit my office for minor things or just to talk.

I didn't feel much about it when I sent her to City A but now that she's broken it off with me, my heart keeps aching.

I miss her

She always came and sat down on my lap to show me what scoop she got and I was always proud of her since she did an amazing job. I grabbed my head with both my hands and bit my lower lip in misery. Sometimes, I catch myself glancing at my phone, hoping to see a message that's just not there.

I got so anxious when she stopped receiving my calls. I guess that was when she found out about Cherelle and I. I thought that wouldn't happen since she was away but hell,

"Hah," I let out a desperate sigh, "Fuck,"

Everything with Cherelle was just a fling. It's like I traded a masterpiece for a doodle. That fling? It's a footnote, a regrettable detour that only highlighted what I had and stupidly let slip away.

'Don't touch me,' Clio's voice was clear in my head.

Regret's a bitter pill, and right now, I'm downing it by the gallon. That fling, it seemed like a good idea at the time, a distraction from the everyday grind. There was no emotional attachment and we both were getting something out of it. But damn, was I blind to what I had. Now I keep remembering her words

'It's not that I want to stay here, it's that I'm never going back to you.' I don't think anyone could fathom how much mere words hurt.

'So forget about ever getting me back. I'd rather be with a murderer than you.' Her words kept repeating in my mind, over and over, giving me a headache.

'In case you had any doubt left since last time we were both heated up. I'll tell you this calmly today. We're over. I've moved on from you and I'm never coming back.' I remember her walking away from me, 'I hate you, and I don't ever want to see you again.' I never could have imagined she would turn away from me like that.

...

Perhaps my thinking was the exact reason I lost her.

'You were the one who threw it all away. You sent me away so that you wouldn't get caught cheating! Why else would you send me to a place, knowing full well how much trauma this city has caused me and how much danger could be here!'

Even when I told her I loved her, she didn't believe me.

'I LOVED you, And for you, I came all the way here, to a place filled with trauma....' The word, 'Loved' brought down the sky for me. It stung so much that it was unbelievable. 'You couldn't even commit to me.You never loved me, you were only using me...' I felt like my heart was being stabbed over and over again.

"That's not true," I whispered to myself as I sat in the darkness, in my office, "I really did fall for you." I massaged my temples. I felt like I was breaking, "I just didn't realize my feelings were so strong..."

Now, with her gone, every little quirk, every imperfection she had, it's crystal clear how much they didn't matter. In fact, they were part of what made her, her. I find myself dwelling on those moments—her laugh that could light up the darkest room, the way she'd get lost in thought when working, even the things that used to bug me now feel like precious quirks.