Trying to live

Chapter 38

The moment Caesar dropped me off, I ran towards my room. I threw my bag on the floor, shed my clothes and walked into the bathroom. 

Once I was inside the shower, I closed my eyes. The faucet was turned to hot and as the heat  intensified, I shuddered. 

It was scalding hot. I felt like burning but I didn't turn the faucet off or turned it to a nicer temperature. 

A scalding hot shower was what I needed.

It would bring me back to my senses. 

How careless could I be? 

I was on the brick of losing the careful construction of myself. The person I donned to survive in life. 

If I cared -  if I suddenly let all those emotions I felt out - I would not survive.

I would suffer the worst heartbreak someone could possible go through. 

It wouldn't just contain the hurt I felt when Henry left me. It would be all the pain I held together from my parents to New Heaven to losing my friends, my boyfriend, myself - that was my ultimate heartbreak. 

I could not let this happen. 

The plans, the steps I took to be on this point, were all measured and perfectly conducted. I did this so I could spare people of hurting me, though I didn't know that I would still get hurt in the process. 

Water streamed down my body like a waterfall. Burning hot and vengeful. 

Clarity hit me at once and I opened my eyes. 

I had to stop myself. I had to remind myself that I just had a few months until graduation.

Until then, I had to pull it together.

Until then, no more unwanted feelings, no more crying for things that weren't mine, no more wistful wishing or wanting.

I was stronger than this.

I survived worse.

I needed to protect my heart and myself first.

I quickly showered, stepped out of the shower and wrapped myself in a towel. Coldness found its way to me and I shivered, even if I nearly burned myself with the water, I still couldn't ignore the cold biting me.

Once I was sure, I wasn't going to die from the cold, I changed into some comfortable clothes. A Pajama set would do. 

I grabbed my old books from my desk and took the stairs. 

I wasn't really sure where Henry wanted us to study or if he still was in after our talk, so I went to find him. 

The third floor was quiet. Maybe Scott and Cam went out. There was something about a meet - up with the other lacrosse players. Mrs. Avilla wanted to take the two little ones - Alika and Chen - and spend some time with them. She wanted to spend most of the time with her family after work and I bet she tried to convince Henry too to go with her but he probably said he would study with me. 

I was sure of one thing - Henry wouldn't be in the game room. If we were really studying, he would be either in the library or in his room. 

Since his room was the closest to me and my arms were already aching from carrying my books, I thought it would be best to check his room. 

I hesitated for a second. Maybe it wasn't a good idea at all. I could have just called him instead of standing in front of his door. Though, it sounded weird to call someone who I was actually living with but in that big house it was very confusing to even know if someone was here or not. But now I was here and I wasn't really keen on descending the stairs and walking back to my room with those heavy books.