Trying to live

Chapter 42

Summer before junior year

Dear Diary, 

Maya told me more about her family. Her parents always wanted more of her. They want her to be perfect. Maybe that's what we have in common - I try to be perfect for mom, so that she loves me again and Maya tries to do the exact same. We need to be perfect to get the love we crave. She told me that her parents always prefer her twin sister Mallory. She told me she hates her family because they made her like that. Her parents sent her here and told her she would come back when she was fine. Sometimes, I understand why she is the way she is and sometimes, I just don't. She's eccentric and not always in a good way. If someone or something gets on her nerves, she gets aggressive and throws things around. Some of the staff did get hurt because of her. And I'm glad that she never threw anything at me, but she did throw things around in my room and I asked for someone to get her out of my room. I didn't talk to her for a day and I wanted it to stay like that for a longer time because she scared me. But, Ms. Denvers said I should help Maya, so I went to her the next day. Since then, we're practically inseparable. She thinks I'm her best friend, but I am not. I am Priya's best friend. 

No one knows me better than Priya. Well, except Henry. And well, they both know the girl I try to be. The perfect one. But who cares who I am really or what my relation with my parents is or how fake I am, right? All that matters is that my heart's in the right place and I love my friends, my boyfriend and my family and you don't need anything more in life than this. I hit a jackpot with Priya - she lightens up my mood, she understands me like I want her to, she knows my likes and dislikes and I really miss her. Maya is just different and most of the time I  feel like she's sucking my energy. 

I know, that she's hurt and lonely, but I don't know. I just don't feel save with her and I think she's hiding something.

Beginning of junior year

Dear Diary, 

Another day with my good old friend alcohol, another day of an entry in you. I guess, this entry above was supposed to be about Priya and how she was a perfect best friend. Emphasize on the was. She isn't my friend anymore. She is nothing to me anymore. I cut her out of my life. I spread rumors about the very thing she didn't want me to. A double life and a slut. She had kind of a double life - stereotype strict Indian parents, her lying and sneaking out to parties and just having fun, hanging out with boys. Though she never slept with anyone. But I am the Queen, so I created a rumor that Priya slept around and then just made a joke of her in front of the whole school because like calls to like. She didn't stand up when I was called a slut and a cheater, which I may or may not be, so I did the same to her. 

I guess, Maya and I have some things in common like ruining good people's lives with our negative energy. I was also right about her hiding something from me and I should've known better. Because Maya wasn't just hurt and lonely, she was broken and I was one of the person who could've helped her. No matter, how bad she was, how hurtful and negative and angry she was, she trusted me and I broke that trust because I never believed, she could've been a better person.

I am a bad person and Maya was right to tell me so. 

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Rose once told me that the storm's changing its direction. I remembered that day, we were both in Royals, sitting and talking about my former friends. I waved whatever she said away because  let's be honest, every time I thought about that conversation, I just remembered how Rose used the salt and pepper holder. It was ridiculous and funny to me.