Sprousehart one shots

It Was All Too Much

(Mentions depression, anxiety, suicide and touchy subjects) (the songs in the picture above inspired me to write this) (it's a long one, sorry)

Cole's POV
Depression. What really is it? Feeing empty, lonely, locked up in a tiny box. Feeling alone even though you have a world of people who love you. Feeling useless even though you have two jobs and make people smile? That's how I've been feeling. Everyone knows, apart from the fans of course. I love being open with them but not this open. Lili and Dylan have really been my rocks but some days it just doesn't help. I go to work, come home, edit photos, eat dinner, spent time with Lili and then go to bed. It's the same cycle everyday. I have been recently feeling worse. I hide it though. Everyone is already trying their hardest to help. I can't cope. I know Lili was on edge the most but now I'm acting better she's less nervous. She was having more fun and wasn't spending her time worrying about me and if I'm going to kill myself or not. I really love her and I know that I'm doing the right thing. If I go everyone will be better off. Dylan has Barbara and they have their whole life ahead of them. Lili will move on and find some amazing man who isn't depressed and is a lot better than me. All our friends will move on when they are finished riverdale and forget. And well the fans? They'll also forget. This time in a year it will all be a blur. Lili is going out tonight for the first time in ages. I'm happy she's getting her life back but I'm not so happy at what she'll come home to, me dead. I have been thinking of what to write in my letters. One for Dyl, Lili, the riverdale cast and the fans. The notes sent going to be pages long just my final goodbye. I was writing the fans whilst Lili was getting ready. It read:
Dear who ever is reading this,
This is for my fans. The best fans. If your from my childhood acting, my photography, five feet apart or Riverdale. You all have been amazing to me. You were what kept me going. Even with the hate you all always had my back. Thank you so much for all the photos, gifts, smiles and hugs. Although I'm not here anymore my pictures will be. Why I did this was no ones fault. Not the fans, not my girlfriends nor my families. It is just my time. I've been here for a long time and it's been too much. So thank you all for everything.
I might see some of you soon.
Cole.
When I'm done I slip it into an envelope and put in my pocket. I wait on my phone till Lili come out. She looked beautiful. She was the thing I would miss the most. I smiled and stood up. She done a twirl.
L: "how do I look?" She asks happily. I smile, well fake one.
C: "amazing as always." I say proudly. She smiles.
L: "thanks you but are you sure you'll be okay? I can stay home." She asks taking my hand. I nod.
C: " I'll be fine! You go have some fun of the first time in ages." I say honestly. She nods.
L: "okay, well I have to go, Cami will be mad if I was late." She says shrugging. I nod and kiss her know like it will be the last time. She smiles.
L: " I love you and I'll see you later." She says kissing my cheek. If only see knew. I smile.
C: "I love you too and I'll see you later." I say smiling. She nods.
L: "bye baby!" She shouts walking out the door. When I now the door is closed I sigh and stop smiling. I sit back down and write the casts letter. I knew theses next ones would be hard.
Dear the best cast ever,
I couldn't write you all a note separately. I don't have the strength too. I would like to say a joint thank you to everyone though. You've all helped me so much even if you didn't notice. You excepted me with all my flaws and never judged. You all were so kind from day one and treated me like a person not a child star. Your all going to hate me for what I've done but frankly it was my only choice. The things that I used to enjoy didn't being me the same happiness or joy. They were too much effort and we're making me feel exhausted physically and emotionally. You are all amazing actors and have made my life so much brighter. All of you even when Riverdale is over please look out for Lili. It won't take her long to find a good man but just make sure she stays happy please. I don't want her doing what I did. So, from now on the bits are for you all individually. If your name is above it read it, if not skip till you see your name.
KJ,
I'm starting with you because I know what I'm going to say. To say you've been an amazing friend would be a great understatement. You've been like a second brother to me and always will be. You never fail to make me laugh or smile, with it be your jokes or you trying to fit your life in America. When I first saw you I didn't expect what we got. I though you'd be a mister tough guy but really your a goof. Classic class clown with your jokes and pranks. You made my long days at set much more enjoyable. Thank you for being my best friend.
Love, Cole.