Our Nanny is a Boy || bxb

41. Stars

After the session with Anita, suddenly Peter laid awake at night again, his thought lingering to the past. It was time for him to accept Leah's death, but was he ready?

One thing for sure was that he could now at least think of her without crying. During the time he was awake in the night from Wednesday to Friday, he did not shed even one tear while staring at the ceiling, seeing her face in the dark. Yes, he still missed her. Realizing he probably wouldn't have met Robin if it weren't for her passing away, he felt conflicted. No, never would he be able to see Leah's death as a positive thing. It was the darkest day of his life, that day where "until death do us part" became the agonizing reality. Within every relationship, one would outlive the other. Peter now knew that being outlived was a much better option than being left behind. Between Robin and me, which one of us will outlive the other? On one hand, he would never want to outlive the younger, but how could he leave him behind? Just knowing how much he would suffer would make him die in agony.

I wish there was a way to not die. Just live for a long, long time and then go to sleep together, forever, he thought to himself.

Still, the thought of Robin dying before him only made him want to spend every second of his time with the younger, to do everything he'd want to do. Except confess of course, that might speed up the process of losing him, like a lot. Peter just wanted to stay close to him as a friend, as family, that was enough.

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In the night from Thursday to Friday, he dreamt. He was in a flowery field, stretching as far as he could see on all sides. He saw a butterfly, a really pretty butterfly, and followed it, but no matter how fast he ran, he could never catch it. He chased after it until he reached the edge of the flowery field and suddenly fell into the darkness, though he fell slowly, more like floating, and when he opened his eyes, he was surrounded by millions and millions of stars. That was when he saw the butterfly again, reaching out to it. But the butterfly vanished right before he could touch it, and suddenly the stars started to reassign themselves, creating a pattern.

He saw Leah's face, made by a million stars, and she smiled at him. Looking at her smile, Peter felt peace taking over him. She was alright now, no longer suffering.

Smiling, he closed his eyes and surrendered to the starfilled universe. For the rest of the night, he slept peacefully.

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Friday, when he was done with the last class, he took his coat, suddenly wanting to go somewhere. He messaged Robin that he would be a bit later and the boy replied with an "okay :)" which Peter thought was cute. Not as if he didn't think everything the boy did was the most adorable thing in the universe.

In the hallway, he met mister Lee and greeted him. The guy, who had allowed Peter to call him by his first name now, which was Eric, ever since Peter had asked him for the favour of teaching him Korean during breaks and free hours, had become a rather good friend of his by now, thanks to the conversations they had had while studying the Korean language and Peter's newfound understanding of the culture he had come from as a sixteen-year-old boy. He left a lot behind in Korea, it must have been tough on him at first. But he met his wife, started a family, got a son now. And since a lot of South-Korean people moved to Australia, they took their culture with them, so he could find pretty much everything he could find in Korea here in Australia as well. He still celebrated all the Korean holidays. He used to go back to Korea regularly to visit his grandparents, but the last one had passed away two years ago, so he had little reason to go back now. Well, they went there in holidays, because it was a beautiful country.

A little while later, Peter drove his car onto the parking lot, parking it. He turned the key, but didn't exit the car yet, looking around first, gripping onto the steering wheel tightly.

It had been a while since he last went here. The cemetery was quiet, but nothing much seemed to have changed. The graveled path was perfectly cleaned as always, a few leaves left on the trees, and the countless white stones dizzied him.

In the past year, he only went here two or three times, but never longer than a minute. Leah's name carved onto that stone pierced his soul, and he couldn't bear it. But ever since the dream, he felt tranquil. Even now, his heartbeat was normal, so he took a deep breath, grabbed the bouquet he had bought on his way here, and opened the door.

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So I actually finished writing a chapter in my notebook yesterday. I think I am finally starting to break through my writer's block!

This song is my new addiction, it's just so calming~