Sunsets and the Stars // Johnny x Ponyboy

Chapter Thirty Two // The Sodapop Series

Sodapop's POV

The guilt was swallowing me whole.

I was a dirty, disgusting liar.

All I wanted to do was protect both of them from to pain that I felt everyday.

I love him.

I've loved him since the sixth grade, and nothing has changed.

I knew I was different, even back then. Don't get me wrong, girls were pretty. But while all my other friends were discovering them, I was discovering something else.

I was discovering him.

I was in math class when it started to happen.

Flashback

I was sitting in math class across from him, laughing.

We were making jokes about one of our good buddies. He was a real nice guy, but he was sort of dumb in the head.

When he was laughing, I felt a twinge of something inside of me. I examined his face.

The way he was throwing his head back to laugh was like a blessing, and his smile was enticing. His blue eyes were glowing, and his black hair was messy yet cute at the same time.

"Sodapop?" he asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

He must have noticed me staring, because his happiness turned to concern.

"Yeah?" I replied, trying to play everything cool.

"Everything okay?" he questioned. I forced a smile, and nodded my head.

"Yeah."

That was when everything began.

And as soon as it began, I started to hide it. He'd never feel the same way.

Every single day I would talk to him, and every single day I knew that he could never feel the same way about me. He was straight.

Loving someone who you knew that you couldn't have sucked, especially in the world that we live in.

I was sitting with one of my friends, Benny. We were tossing around a baseball.

"Hey Benny, what do you think about gays?" I asked.

He began to laugh. I gave him a weird look.

"They're so gross! They're should be a ban against them!" he exclaimed. I nodded my head, pretending like his words didn't hurt.

"Yeah, gross."

There were lots of people who had the same reactions as Benny, sometimes even worse.

I never expressed my feelings out of fear and self hatred. He'd never love me back. There was no point in ruining my life for him.

That's when Sandy walked into my life.

To every other guy, she was the perfect girl. She had beautiful curly blond hair, and striking blue eyes. Her smile was big and bright, and she was a nice height. She was cute and funny and nice.

Immediately, I knew I had to get with her. Not because I loved her, but because of her eyes.

Her eyes reminded me of his.

Every time I looked into her eyes, I would think of him. Every time I said I loved her, it wasn't her I was saying it to, it was him all along.

I fooled myself.

Don't get me wrong, I loved Sandy, but only as a friend. Nothing less, nothing more. Maybe that's why I was about to bare with being with her this long.

"Sodapop?" she asked. I felt her soft hair tickling my neck.

"Yes?" I replied. I looked into her big blue eyes. All I saw was him.

"I love you," she whispered. I cracked a small smile.

"I love you too," I replied. She smiled.

We began to kiss.

I felt nothing.

I felt the weight on my shoulders of constantly lying ruin me.

My mood, my thoughts, and my physical appearance all took a toll.

I didn't know if I could keep living like this. I began to get angry, and I took my anger out on everyone.

I remember when it first started.

I was sitting with Two Bit and Dally. Both of then had a beer in hand, but I was smoking a cigarette.

I wasn't really paying attention to the conversation till I heard something that irked me.

"...Nah man, the only guy that Soda would go queer for is me," stated Two Bit with a wink.

I felt all my past desires and sadness mixed with anger boil over inside of me.

I ripped Two Bit's bottle out of his hand, and threw it against the sidewalk. The glass shattered.

"Shut the fuck up! You know I ain't a queer!" I screamed. Dal and Two Bit turned white.

Dal put a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, he was only joking!" he exclaimed.

I shoved Dal away from me. He fell over, spilling his beer.

His mouth was hanging wide open.

No one shoved Dally. No one. I knew I was in deep shit.

I stomped away, ashamed and furious.

Then, of course, I found out about Johnny being gay.

I set him up with Angela. I didn't want him to feel my pain.

Then, of course, I heard about Johnny kissing Ponyboy.

I couldn't bare with the thought of them having something I wanted.

I had just found out about Johnny kissing Ponyboy. I stomped out of his room.

Johnny was standing up in the living room.

I walked up to him and smacked him across the face.

Everyone gasped.

"What the hell were you thinking, kissing my brother?" I yelled. I could feel the heat in my face. It was burning hot.

"I'm sorry, okay? I said it once, and I'll say it again, it was a mistake! I'm with Angela!" Johnny screamed back.

Everyone in the gang was watching us silently, trying to figure out what was going on. No one stepped in. They knew better.

"Since when were you a queer, Johnny Cade? Huh? What the fuck happened to you?" I shouted. I meant nothing I said. I was bitter and jealous.

Then, something happened. I didn't see it coming at all.

Johnny punched me in the face.

I could feel pain throbbing in my face, and I could taste blood.

I ignored Johnny and my brother. They were developing something that I wanted for years. I couldn't be around them without being sad and angry.

Eventually, I apologized to Johnny. He accepted.

Now, here I was outside of Ponyboy's hospital room.

I slowly turned the door knob.

I stepped in...