Sunsets and the Stars // Johnny x Ponyboy

Chapter Forty Three // The Sodapop Series II

Sodapop's POV

Everything was so weird.

Ponyboy made it through a coma. Ponyboy was alive. I never thought that that would happen.

Everything was just overwhelmingly. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel about everything, especially since I had my own problems.

I sighed, wanting to push my problems aside. I knew that I couldn't do that, though. I had already confessed my feelings to Johnny and Ponyboy.

They both knew who I loved.

They knew I was in love with my best friend since sixth grade.

They knew about him.

They knew that it was Steve Randle.

Currently, I was sitting on the couch with Two Bit. He was watching Mickey, drinking a beer. He wasn't paying attention to me.

I began to think about everything that had happened with Steve in the past few years.

I remember when I first started to get feelings for him.

Steve and I were sitting at the Dingo, grabbing some lunch on the weekend. We were both hungry, and we wanted burgers. It was the weekend.

Steve and I were waiting for our burgers, our young selves being unaware of the world around us. We were only in the sixth grade.

"Hey, Soda," started Steve with a lopsided smile. His eyes were bright blue and his hair was fixed in complicated swirls.

"Yeah?" I replied, smiling.

"It sure is nice being your best friend," he stated with a lopsided grin.

I felt something in my stomach sink.

Why did I feel bad that he only called me a friend?

That's where it all began. That night, Steve had walked me home.

Steve and I were walking home. I wanted to grab his hand and hold it for some reason. It looked like it would fit perfectly in mine. I resisted the urge to reach out and touch him.

"Do you ever wonder what's outside of Tulsa?" he asked, bringing me out of my thoughts. I nodded.

"Yeah, I guess. Besides the country, I haven't really seen anything else," I stated. He smiled a little bit.

"What's out there, Soda?" he asked.

I shrugged

"Yeah, well, we're here. Bye, Soda," he said. He sounded a bit sad that our night came to an end.

We did out secret handshake.

Time went on. We started to get older. I started to realize that my feelings for Steve were wrong.

I wasn't supposed to love him.

I wasn't supposed to love a boy.

Every day, I would see the boy I loved. And every day, I knew that I couldn't be with him. If I wanted him in my life, it would be as friends only.

He could never love me.

It was wrong for me to feel the way I did about him, and I knew that. It was killing me on the inside, but it didn't matter to me.

He was like a dirty secret.

He was just so beautiful.

I loved his swirly black hair, and I longed to run my hands through his hair. I loved his shimmering blue eyes which were always bright. I loved his enticing smile. When he smiled, I wanted to smile too. He was the living embodiment of perfection. Everything about him was just magnificent. It was like God had made the perfect man out of marble. He was like a Greek God.

I just wanted to be with him more than anything.

I'm never going to get my wish, though.

He was still with Evie, and there was no way in hell that Steve was queer at all. He was just a normal straight guy, who was inhumanly beautiful.

Sometimes, I fantasied about what could have been.

Steve and I could have been in a perfect relationship.

I'd treat him so well, not only because he would be my boyfriend, but because he was my best friend as well. He would mean more than the world to me. I would treat him like a prince. He would get the best from me.

We would do things like cuddle on the couch, watching movies when we were trying to fall asleep, keeping each other warm. We could go on long drives together, running away from the small town of Tulsa. We could see the country. We could finally figure out what's out there. Maybe we could even go live in a nice house together, maybe get a dog.

We could be something.

But it was too late.

I was with Sandy. Sandy loved me. I didn't love her, but I was trying to. I knew that I could force myself to love her if I really tried. I would build a future with her. Maybe we'll have kids. I'll learn to be happy without dating Steve. Sandy was supposed to be the love of my life.

Steve was with Evie, anyways. He loved her. She loved him. They were like a match made in heaven. They were always close, telling each other everything. There was something Steve had hid from me, that I know she knows. They were meant to be together. I was meant to stay out of their relationship. Maybe they'd have kids together, too. They could have a nice house and a family. He could see what's out there for the first time.

I felt myself began to cry. I looked at Two Bit. He wasn't paying attention to me. I turned to hide my face. I could feel it getting hot and red with embarrassment, anger, and self hatred.

It just wasn't fair that I was stuck having queer feelings for my best friend, especially when I knew that he'd never feel the same. He thought of me as a brother, as a best friend.

That was all I was ever going to be to him.

I wanted to be more.

I wanted to be his whole world. I wanted to be his light, and I wanted to be the one he says I love you to. I just wanted to be with him.

I let out a whimper.

Two Bit must have heard, because he turned to look at me.

"What is it, Soda? Why are you crying? You know that you can trust me," he stated, whispering. He put a hand on my shoulder.

"I love Steve and he doesn't love me back."