Unspoken words in proses.

Altruistic

Often, I realize that I have been making myself available to people who surely would not make an effort to appreciate my gestures.

Even in the worst days, I have always been that girl who would cancel all her appointments so she could just be there for anyone who needs her. How good hearted is she? Yet despite of having that comforting energy— she would always receive one thing; and it is the word 'nothing.' In every time she run and make people lean, she would receive only nothing. And when she is the one who seek the help— the only person she would call is herself. For those people who she think would be there for her just disappear when she needed them the most. Those exact people who she healed— those people who she comforted.

In a sunny day she would run rushing to her so-called friend who called her for a help for that friend is having a hard time. Even she— herself is secretly also going through hell; yet that does not stop her for being selfless; for being there to people who she thinks is real. Sometimes she often think that it is okay to be available everytime, but she also wonder— would everyone do the same? When she would be drawn into the deep ocean of melancholy, would anyone dare to swim and save her like she would do for someone she cared for? Or when she is having a hard time alone, would anyone sit beside her to tell her it is fine? For she would surely do that to anyone who would ask her the same thing.

But then— finally, she did soon realize that indeed, she is available to people who would never become available when she needs them. In her bed she sometimes cry for it hurts her to think that she is a friend to all, but also a friend to none. She is seen when she is needed; but never when she is wanted. It takes her so much pain to understand that she must prioritize her fragile heart than be there for people who surely would never do the same; people who would constantly take her for granted. And in  morning, she would start her day teaching herself not to care too much; for caring with things too much means forgetting you have yourself to heal first. And now she stand infront of her mirror to tell herself that this time, it is her who she needs to care first; that it is she— herself whom she must prioritize and embrace first.