Unspoken words in proses.

Holidays

122425.

A christmas without you is indeed a lonely day to celebrate.

As I looked out my window to stare at the clear skies, chin on the palm of my hand— I also wonder what it feels like to spend it again with you after years of not having your embrace. It hurts a lot to think that the only thing I could do is to pray to God to let me have a minute with you; to tell you how much christmas didn't feel the same when you were still here with me.

It might sound stupid of me to say that I do not want the christmas to approach if you weren't the one who I am gonna be with in making grahams; in making pastas with those salty sauce that ridiculously tasted good. Yet I do also realize it is so selfish of me to hope for that. Perhaps I am just this desperate to feel your skin againts mine once again?  Or maybe I was just looking for someone whom can console me once I end up weeping from not having a gift from anyone this holiday? I do not know, for I forgot why did I even crave having you near.

I forgot why do I even make the same wishes over and over again a day before christmas; I forgot why constantly— every year since you were gone— special days such as this does not excite me anymore. All I know is that I long for you in 8 years that you have been away; those 8 years I spent thinking if you actually look down from heaven, watching me as I console my own heart that has been and is still broken from missing you; from feeling emptier as midnight slowly come. 

Today— December 24, a day before christmas has approached, yet just like the other years I spent alone—  something's never changed and it feels like hell whenever I think of eating our favourite food alone once more this time around. But then again, I still have to move forward and tell myself it is okay to just look up and see the night sky. Hoping that someday, christmas would be much better even when you are there with the stars; even when you left me scarred with memories we had.