Small Doses

Chapter 34: Mew

Monday came too fast. I wanted to spend more time with Gulf. He had been relaxed this weekend. Spending time together at my place felt like coming home after having wandered for so long. Even after talking to Jeremy, Gulf seemed accepting and forgiving. He did not push further and in fact let it go without questions.

Apparently Jeremy and Brandon had a misunderstanding. From what I have gathered in Jeremy's drunk voice last night, Brandon did not go home. I cannot really understand the issue and he wanted to talk to me about it since he has no one he can talk to. He had a lot to say about missing the friendship and annoying boyfriends which were all gibberish to me. The only way I can end the call was when I told him that we can have the talk today. Gulf has a lunch meeting so I asked Jeremy to meet me during lunch.

I am on my way to the coffee shop in front of the building. From afar, I already see Jeremy sitting alone at the corner of the cafe. I entered the cafe and he looked up. He looks like he hadn't slept at all. I sat across him.

"Hey, you okay? You look like you aged 10 years from the last time I saw you." I asked.

Jeremy looked at me with an expression I can barely recognize.

"Why that look Jer?" I said puzzled.

"Brandon left me Mew." He said.

"I gathered that from last night Jer. Anything I can do to help?" I said.

"I'm sorry Mew." Jeremy's words confuse me.

"Sorry about what?" What does it have to do with me?

"I read the letter you sent three years ago Mew." He said somberly.

Shit! I need coffee. I stood up abruptly. "You want coffee Jer?" Disregarding the coffee in front of him.

He looked up at me and sighed, "No Mew, go ahead."

I went to order myself coffee and also to gather my thoughts. I wrote and left that letter to Jeremy's rented PO box the last time I allowed myself to be drunk. I tried to contact him electronically but the emails bounced back, so I left a letter in the PO box he used before. That PO box was where he receives his letters from his mother as a way of communicating since he was banned by his father to contact her.

I wrote that letter as a last resort before I finally gave up looking for him. It was a promise letter I intended to keep that time. I felt my hands sweat, my mind started to accelerate.

"Sir?" I looked at the barista. "Your order?"

"Yeah... water." I said.

"We have service water at the corner." She pointed to the condiments section.

"Bottled." I said.

After the order, I went back to my seat in daze.

"Before your mind goes to places, I'd like you to know that I just received that letter weeks before I came back here. I received that because the post office was going to be renovated and the PO boxes were going to be removed." Jeremy said.

I looked at him, "How is this relevant today Jer?"

He smirked. "You're kidding right?"

My face is void of any expressions, "I wrote that letter because I terribly missed my best friend."

"What if I tell you that I miss my best friend too? What if I tell you that I went back home because of that letter?" Jeremy said trying to control his feelings.

What if.... "What if huh? Really Jer? That speech again?" This is how he revealed his feelings for me before and that speech fucked me up so bad. "I have moved on. I'm sorry I cannot fulfill what I said on that letter. I take full responsibilty. I'll tell you something about your what ifs though... if you were upfront with me a long time ago, we wouldn't deal about all these what ifs which you're always fond of. Because as much as there are a lot of possible outcomes in the what if scenarios you keep putting in my head, nothing materialized because you chose to leave me instead of dealing with it. So I'm done with the what ifs. I love Gulf, there's no what if here anymore because I am sure about it. You were my past Jer, but that's about it."

I stood up to go after that lengthy speech. Jer stopped me by gripping my arm. "Sit back down Mew."

I sat down again, quietly fuming and feeling guilty. I shouldn't have written that letter.

"Look Mew, that letter fucked me up. I won't deny that gave me hope, because it did. I buried my feelings for you a long time ago knowing you were straight when I left. Best friend, more than best friends, when I read that letter, I didn't actually care anymore as long as I can get back to you fast. But when I came back, to my surprise, you weren't straight anymore. What do you expect me to think huh?" He said frustrated. "Can you please be responsible for the feelings you draw out from other people. For once Mew, you can't just wash your hands about all these?"

I kept quiet and just looked at him. I fucked up. And continue to fuck up. My hands just got tied. "What do you want from me Jer?" I asked at last.

"I need a friend Mew. I am still sorting out my feelings for Brandon. I can't deny how much you've been a part of me. When I came back here I wanted us to be close again but also I didn't want to lose him. Then I saw you with Gulf, a man. Then I got confused as to what I really feel. Then I found out Brandon knew about that letter. I am so confused Mew and I have no one I can talk to."

Brandon found out...."Wait Jer. Brandon knows about the letter?" My heart started to race.

"I mean I just found out that letter is no longer in my wallet. It turns out that he got it.----"

I dialed Gulf's number right away..... Ring. Ring.... Shit! No answer.

Olive.... Ring. Ring.

"Hi Sir Mew."

"Olive, is Gulf still in the meeting?" I am trying not to panic.

"The meeting was cancelled. Sir G was on his way to you."

"He's not here Olive." Where can he be? Is he already meeting Brandon?

"I'll call him again Sir."

"Do that and conference a call with me when you reach him. Do not tell him I asked you to reach him."

"Got it Sir."

-----------------------------------------

I went back to the office feeling angsty. After the call with Olive, I left Jeremy. It was clear to him I am not in my right state of mind after that call.

I pressed the intercom. "Olive, have you reached him already?"

"Not yet Sir but I'm sure he'll be here. You have a ManCom meeting at two." Olive said.

Shit! We have a meeting. I almost forgot.

"Olive, inform the heads that I have cancelled the meeting but do not tell Gulf."

"Noted Sir."

I tried calling Gulf again. His phone is not reachable anymore. I better go to his place.

I went out in a daze, almost not noticing Olive saying something to me.

"Sir Mew." I turned to her, "Sir G just called. He said to tell you to stop calling him and he'll go to you when he's ready."