Small Doses

Chapter 35: Gulf

Jer,

I miss you. It's like I lost half of me when you left. You were my person. The person I can talk to about the most mundane things and my craziest ideas. I got used to you having my back at all times, at all circumstances. You were there when granny died and when I caught my dad with his mistress. Remember Jenny? My first? I can't forget when you teased me about calling you for advise because I had a hard time kissing her with her retainers on. You were there in all my first Jer. My first puff of cigarette at the back of the school, I got so pissed because you already tried and I haven't yet, so to apologize, you got me the strongest one you can find and stood as a lookout as I tried. I was so nervous at my first musical which dad had been pushing me to do, and you were there giving me encouraging words. I wanted to die when Jenny broke up with me, and you remember what you told me? You laughed and said, don't tell me you'd cry like a baby everytime a girl breaks up with you. I laughed at your words while crying. We first got drunk on my 16th birthday. You had sneaked in some cheap alcohol in my room as a birthday gift and said, all that's missing are girls we can get drank with. My first fight, you had me stitched up at the hospital and threatened the nurse that you'll cut yourself if she attempts to contact dad. The first time I tried out for basketball and was rejected, you were so angry, you threatened the coach you'll leave the team if he doesn't at least bench me. You were my first passenger when I learned to drive. I remember dragging you because you'd rather walk home than ride with me. My first experience in a plane was with you. My first experiance going to a concert was with you. Fuck Jer! Even my first jerk off was with you.

You just left me. What the fuck Jer! I've been broken a lot of times, but it turns out, this is legit the first time I got really broken. You didn't even spare me one fucking firsts without you.

Come back please. I know you've been taking care of me. But let me take care of you this time. Let me be your firsts too. Let me fucking get all these feelings out of my chest this time. Please Jer.

I have prepared an office space for you. It's ready when you come back. Anytime Jer. Any fucking time.

Your Mew.

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Your Mew. Your Mew. Your Mew. I can't compete with this. I don't stand a chance.

No matter how many times I've read this letter, it doesn't hurt any less. It feels like small needles are pricking my chest everytime I see the word first. For the letter to be concluded with Your Mew makes it so hard to breath. It hurt like a motherfucker. It's the kind of hurt that no words can appease. Mew's letter sounded so intimate and it isn't for me. Fuck!

I was about to go to Mew during lunch when I decided to meet with Brandon instead so I do not need to cut my time with Mew during the night. It turns out, all my nights are freed up now.

Brandon is going back to the UK alone. He told me that he had that letter for a while now and he understands it's supposed to be the past and shouldn't really matter anymore. He tried to make it work with Jeremy even after he read it. But he said, lately Jeremy has been talking about Mew more than usual. He said he confronted Jeremy about it. He said Jeremy seems to be confused about his feelings. He wants Jeremy to sort it our himself so he's leaving. He assured me that he knows a part of Jeremy loves him and that I shouldn't worry about him ruining what Mew and I have. But that was all said before I read the letter.

I read the letter when Brandon left, I didn't want to influence nor be influenced by Brandon's words so I chose to be alone when I read it. What I didn't anticipate is the impact the letter have caused me.

Knock. Knock.

Shit! that's probably Mew.

A more resounding knock knock followed. "Gulf I will use the key if you don't open the door."

Shit! I forgot he has a key.

I went to the door, opened it and went out without even looking at him. The letter crumpled in my hand. "Give me your key." I said looking at Mew's hands.

"No." Mew said.

I tried to snatch the key from his hand. He moved away.

"No Gulf, we need to talk." Mew said then he tried to reach my face with his palm meaning to carress it.

I moved away from him, "I'm not ready to talk Mew."

"Gulf please, tell me what I need to do." Mew said advancing to me again.

"Do not come any closer." I said. I can't even bear to look at him.

"Can you at least look at me Gulf?" Mew pleaded.

I looked at him. I can't even hide the hurt in my eyes.

"Believe me when I tell you. What's in the letter is in the past. You are my present Gulf."

"I know Mew." I said with deep sadness.

"So please let me in Gulf, let's sort it out. I promise to make it up to you." Mew looks desperate.

"Promise? I read promises in this letter Mew." I said quite confused at everything, my feelings, Mew's feeling. Hell, even Jeremy's feelings.

Mew became speechless.

"Just give me the key back for now and give me the privacy I need. I want to be left alone." I insisted.

"No Gulf. I'll go if that's what you want, but I'm not returning this to you. We need to reach a common ground. You need to give me a chance to fix this." Mew said feeling hopeless.

I looked at Mew. Really looked at Mew. How can I even get past this? I don't even know. "I'm going in now Mew. Please don't come back." Then I let go of the letter and let it drop to the floor.

At the back of my head, I keep hearing his last written words.

Your Mew.

He's suppose to be mine.