Axel

Chapter 21

AXEL'S P.O.V

I take a long sip of my beer, my face in a constant frown. I shut my eyes closed as if I was in pain and maybe I was, but not physically. I couldn't hear the loud laughter and voices neither the soft music playing in the background, my ears were buzzing. I'm getting lost in my memories and most of the time is not pleasant.

                                       * flashback* 

My hands grip her waist tighter wanting to make sure that I'm not dreaming and she is indeed in my arms. I know it won't last long so I'm leaving myself fully submerge in this moment.

Mia's breathing is a bit shaky as our lips brush again each other. I'm debating between being an asshole and stealing a kiss, risking her not ever speaking to me again or putting some space between us, ending it here. Her hands move from my shoulders to my chest. If I ever so slightly lean further in, our lips will softly touch each other. For some reason, my heart is racing like crazy right now and I'm pretty sure Mia can feel it under her palms.

Before I could make a decision she pushes me back on the couch and abruptly gets off my lap. She sits next to me on the couch bringing her legs close to her chest wrapping her arms around them. She leans her cheek on her knees facing away from me.

"I'm sorry, " I whisper not wanting to raise my voice higher. This silence is needed at this moment. I don't want us to fight. I don't want to lose her as a friend. I don't want to push her away with my actions.

"We can't ever do something like that...I can't it feels wrong and..." she whispers back as I stare hard at the floor.

"I know...I know..." I bite my lip trying to not let my glossy eyes bleed like my heart.

"We're crossing boundaries being this close and...I shouldn't have agreed to this...I feel like I cheated...I feel disgusted, " she keeps her voice low and starts rocking herself back and forth on the couch.

"I know, I mean I think I do. I never had a girl friend. I'm not familiar with what is off-limits. I'm sorry that I cross some lines tonight, it wasn't my intention. I'm never going to do it again... I promise just...don't leave me, " I look around and see my pack of cigarettes on the side table next to me. I grab the box and take out a cigarette. I don't light it though, I just keep it in my hand, twirling it.

"I know you didn't mean to do any harm. I'm more disappointed with myself for...getting carried away because I feel like I cheated and I hate this feeling."

"If these things were consider cheating then fuck...Everyone cheated at some point in their lives, Mia. So, please don't think like that. You can't cause that much emotional pain, you're too caring and sweet. Only from the fact that you're feeling like that just proves what I'm saying, " I let out a heavy breath whispering "an angel, " under my breath praying she didn't hear it.

Why am I being so soft and emotional with this pretty girl next to me? I've never understood why I'm acting the way I do when she's around. She gets a different version of myself out of me. A version I push deep down when I got older and realise that love doesn't exist. Not in my life at least. It's just a word that people use way too carelessly. I wish I could feel that. Wish I could have someone feel that way for me, but that's like wishing for your dog to never die. Impossible and only happens in fiction.

"Yeah, you're probably right but still I feel weird, you know? You didn't need me to "teach" you, how to be physically affectionate with someone. So, why did you ask me to?" Her voice falls quieter towards the end as if she isn't sure herself if she wants to know the answer to that.