They deserve it all.

Chapter 40

"Will you marry me, Alistair?"

"Marry you?!" A mocking smile spreads over his face as he holds on to the chair beside him. "You must be joking?!" He says before bursting out with laughter. "You know, I always thought you were somewhat funny, but this- this really takes first place!"

I roll my eyes and sit back down and wait until he's done.

He holds his hand out as if to apologize. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry—" He spits out while his laughter is dying down. "I understand this must have taken courage for you to ask, me out of all people, it would even make me feel special would this not be a complete prank."

I sigh. "It's not a prank."

"You're serious?" He says, that mocking smile still lingering on his face. "You actually want to marry me?!"

"I need someone of high status, and if I somehow, someway manage for you to get your title back, I'd like you to marry me." I shrug and crack a small smile as his mocking grin completely vanishes. "I could get on one knee and ask you properly if that's what you'd like, I mean- how much more of my dignity could I really lose."

He sits down, one hand covering his mouth, the other holding onto the armrest for dear life. "'There will never be an 'us', Al'" He says softly. "That's what you said and now you're asking me to promise my loyalty and trust to a person who doesn't even like me. And I bet that I'd have to promise my life to you ... and my death ... I don't think I want that."

"Well, you won't have to. You could take a lover to meet your needs, and all you'd have to do really is show up and make a couple of speeches whenever." I watch as his hand slowly moves away from his mouth and he's uncomfortable. "You'd even have all the luxury you could wish for. You can spend your days doing nothing or everything. I'll be the one to rule and your brother and I will be at peace. You won't have to be King, you can just be my husband."

"No." He forces out. "I don't want to marry you ... I'd have to live with you. I don't want to live with you, or see you at breakfast or have lunch or dinner with you for the sake of the servants not gossiping. I don't want to take a lover, I don't want to choose someone and be girlfriend and boyfriend with that person, but then turn home to my wife and make a few speeches as to act like we're in love." He sighs and I follow, a hand dragging down his face. "I'm sorry, I unfortunately feel I have to decline."

With that he opens the door and leaves me alone. And I sit there, not at all faulting him for declining. The moment he used what I once said to him, I had accepted defeat.

No. Don't just give up. You can still convince him!

No, Willow, I won't do that. He said no, and that's where we'll leave it.

Come on!

No, I won't force him.

What if you don't force him, what if you just prove yourself to him.

Prove myself? Willow, this isn't the 1600s, I don't need to fight for his 'love'.

You just gave up because he made you remember.

And right of him to do as well. How could I expect anything of him when I kept pushing him away yet ask something so big of him now.

Yeah ... I understand, but at least try!

Try what?

Give him his title back, and if he still declines, then maybe it's not meant to be.

"Larien!" I say loudly as I search for ink.

"Willow, what is it?"

"Summon the King of the Seagrave Kingdom, please. Tell him it is urgent."

Larien nods and closes the door and leaves me all alone ... with her. She's breathing down my neck and I can feel it and she's still there and she won't go away.

"STOP IT!" I yell out after 10 whole minutes of feeling her warm breath falling on my neck. "STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!"

I quickly cover my mouth but she keeps up with it. She turned her body translucent and I can't do anything to her but try to cover my neck. Her warm breath keeps falling down my neck and I'm tempted to slice the skin by my nape off, to no longer feel anything there.

"Larien!" When I call him back inside, Willow disappears. "Have you summoned the King of the Seagrave Kingdom yet?"

He shakes his head. "I was just about to send the messenger."

"Okay, good. Don't send him. Leave them alone." Willow appears again, standing now right behind Larien, she's complaining and nagging about the choice I'm making, 'you're making a mistake' she keeps yelling after every argument and I have to concentrate hard enough to listen to my own voice so I don't sound like a lunatic. "It's no longer needed."

"Okay." He says softly. And he's about to leave, but then stops. "Are you okay?" He says as he closes the door behind him and makes me sit down. "You have been acting a bit weird the last few days. I didn't even see you yesterday, at all."

I smile and insist that I can stand. "No, yeah, I'm good. Thank you for asking." He doesn't believe me but Willow is still yelling at me and I can't seem to focus on my own voice or on Larien, instead I focus on blocking her loud annoying voice out. "I just- it's just- a lack of sleep- I just need to sleep."

"Would you like me to cancel your date tonight. You have nothing else on your schedule."

I smile. "No, I'm not sure yet, maybe he'll be the one."

He nods again before standing up to walk to the door. And somewhere deep inside I wanted to hold onto his hands and beg him not to go. I wished I could just tell him the truth, but I can't and I feel like throwing up but I keep myself from doing by clamping my mouth shut. But it's too loud and makes Larien turn around confused, when he does, I quickly try to swallow the contents of my stomach as I put my hand back in my lap.

"Willow ..." He takes another step towards me. "You don't look quite so good."

I shake my head and try to actually swallow the contents this time. It doesn't work as well I wish it would, but I still open my mouth and try to speak. But the moment the outside air touched my tongue the contents begin to spill out.

I hate throwing up. The feeling of not being able to breathe and the constant cramping up of all your muscles. The unpleasant hunching over, the sounds, the feeling of the warm ooze in your mouth and worse of all, the aftertaste and smell of it.

"I need help!" Larien shouts out.

"Larien, I'm fine." I spout out with another burst of vomit. "I feel be- better actually ..." I hold onto his shirt before collapsing on the floor. A ringing sounds in my ear and I have to squint to see if it's not someone making that noise. I end up closing my eyes, then opening them to silence. I'm not unconscious, I just can't talk or hear or feel anything. I see them picking me up, I notice I'm being rushed somewhere, but I don't bother to really look. Instead I close my eyes and softly smile. The silence is nice, it's as if the world has an off and on button and I found it and just flicked it. And I watch everyone around me rush and I see concerned faces, but they don't bother me so much. I like the movement of the light, the obvious fear and I like it and I wish I could've experienced it for a little longer.  

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