They deserve it all.

Lisa Carmen.

Willow hasn't come back yet and Alistair still doesn't like being an actual Ruler, which is fine, but it means I'll have to catch up a week's worth of work because he couldn't do any while I tried to connect with my curse. Usually I don't mind working as much I do, no matter how boring it is, but today I have another meeting, one where I blackmailed Alistair to participate in.

Worst of all, Callani will be there as well, the girl who apparently as I heard from Larien, has a little crush on my husband, not just that, but they used to mess around together. I'm not in love with Alistair or anything, and I'm not territorial, not completely at least, and being in a room with both my husband and his ex won't bother me, the only thing that will bother me, is that she's quite like ... me. And so it's odd to know that he loved her, maybe like he loved her like he loves me, or maybe not, maybe it was a fling, maybe the only reason why I'm so interested is because I'm in the unknown. I suppose I don't like being in the unknown. Usually Willow and I would argue until we agreed on something and we'd go from there, wrong or not, at least I would be sure of something.

Or maybe he doesn't love me at all. Maybe he was just ... happy to see me completely again. Maybe it was just a flash to how I looked when I was younger, although my hair still differed, maybe it was just a small surprised thing he says. Maybe the next time I'll give him a gift or show him something shocking he'll call out 'I love you!'. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe it didn't even happen. What if I imagined that whole night? What if ... what if it was the amount of potions I took, it was quite a lot? Maybe it made me so intoxicated I began hallucinating. I like taking potions, they make me think sharper, but that's at 6 to 7 at best, when I reach double digits they begin to make a small buzz inside of my head if I'm not careful. Maybe I did hallucinate. The whole week I had been shoving potions down my throat, how many I'm not sure of. All I know is that the moment I felt something, I'd make it go away with a liquid, or a powder, a small pill or a fluffy cloud to inhale. I took potions to make the hunger go away. I took potions to make the overwhelming aching pains in my muscles go away from sitting in that corner the whole week. I even took potions to make me not go to the toilet and make it evaporate, to make my organs regulate normally without shutting down. I've had sessions like this before, I'm prepared, always, and I also always hallucinate. I do at least most of the time.

When I'm alone in my room, Alistair getting his suit very personally tailored, I find my self missing Willow again. I don't shed any tears, I don't scream and I don't gasp for air. Instead I talk to myself. I talk to the next best thing of Willow- myself.

I speak out loud and then let the first thought in my head be Willow. And I keep doing that unconsciously until I realize what's happening. I don't want to stop myself, but suddenly my mind goes blank and there are no more comments to go on my small one sided conversation.

"Hey, what do you think?" He shows me his suit and makes a few poses. First he shoves the sides of his jacket in the air and then he places his hand on his wrist to show his very expensive new ring. It's silver, with a jaded crystal in the middle, engraved right into it, melded stuck to the sides.

"What's that?" I ask him as I point to his ring.

Before my mind answers, he does. "My uncle gave it to me. You remember the bald one?"

"Oh, the one that pushed me off of the dancing stage with his ass, or the one that gave me one of the leftover cupcakes." It was a nice cupcake though, just to clear that up.

"The one that gave you the cupcake— and by the way, he didn't push you off the dancing stage, that was that one girl, Chelsia."

"You mean the one who cut a hole in my favorite dress and put that spell over it that would make it transparent whenever she wanted?"