They deserve it all.

Chapter 57

Now, it's great being Queen, it is. But it's not challenging, I know everything that's going to happen and I know everything I'll have to say. I've memorized it from everything I've heard from my dad and Alistair's mom. If I even resemble them ever so slightly, maybe my Reign will be fine with the people and they won't try to over throw me or maim me.

The only part about the whole day that isn't me being a complete robot, is being with Alistair. I don't love him, I don't think I like him that much even. I still get flashbacks to when he'd be a bitch, when he'd be a ... a back stabbing bitch. If he sweeps his eyes over the room before he can say something, it reminds me of him sweeping his eyes over the areas in which he could smile at me, talk to me. And when he's talking to the people, because he's the likable one, whenever he does, I feel this aching pain inside of me whenever he jokes about something when it comes to me to them, but to me it sounds like he's mocking me about things that he's not supposed to be mocking me about. Worse is when they all laugh along. And even worse is that I can't talk to him about it. I'm not so very sensitive that I can't take a joke, it was innocent, but at the same time I am.

Still, he's nice to me. He's nice and he holds my hand whenever we show our face. And he tells me how great I'm doing when I'm talking, or smiling, or whenever he notices that people give me back handed compliments, he notices, he does that now, he squeezes my hand when it happens and he tries to keep me smiling. To be as perfect as I have to be.

It's been a bit now. I've been Queen for a bit and everything is even more boring than it used to be. I don't know what to do to make it be better. I tried to surprise myself by keeping my mind busy from all the stuff that was happening in our Kingdoms and those surrounding us, but honestly, every time my brain got a bit of a silence, it went directly to a topic again that I was trying to keep myself from thinking about. And then, when I have tried my best to not think about what to say to the people, I still do it somehow. I still talk without thinking. It's like, it's not me talking, like it's so easy for me, like I don't have to do anything at all. It's not that I don't care about running our Kingdoms, I do, I care lots and I would love to do this job every single day, but not if it's so boring that gouging my eyes out seems more fun, that scraping my skin off is more entertaining to me than going through a day with a mere council meeting, or a waving, a blessing. It's annoying how much I would rather hurt myself than actually run our Kingdoms.

And it doesn't bother me as much as I feel like I'm making it out to be, but I just thought if this job would get a bit more challenging, I might actually like it. I might do it without going in that room with a smile and a sigh under my breath.

But instead I spend my days doing nothing while talking, and then going to my room. My sweet sweet bedroom, now shared with Alistair. And we fight, almost every night we have a battle, mentally or physically as we have to get stronger with both. And we sculpt whenever we can, and at times, when we have lunch, we decide to have lunch outside, and we eat while we shoot arrows at targets in the woods. We're getting closer each day, I still can't stand him at times, and when we fight I think about killing him. He's a pain in the ass, a real pain in the ass, he insults me, making snarky comments, he hurts me, but he is the only thing I have that I cannot predict. He's a challenge, and the hatred I somewhere still feel for him is no match for the adrenaline I get whenever I'm with him.

So I sleep next to him, and I take a deep breath in whenever I feel overwhelmed, and I take a deep breath out whenever I feel him touch me accidentally with his foot.

Like this one time, we were sitting and eating and suddenly he looked at my ring and he said to me, 'is that a confidence potion?'. I was shocked, because how would he know. How would he know what a confidence potion looked like. I was stammering and I didn't know what to say, so instead I smiled and nodded.