They deserve it all.

Blurring

The time after it happened, after that day in my room, everything went by with blur. I don't remember most of it, but I felt some of it. Everyday would mostly be the same, wake up, eat, discuss stuff, do stuff, eat, go to sleep and then I'd wake up again, eat again, discuss again, do again, eat again, sleep again. I became aware of the way time zapped by after 6 months of it. I realized I was stuck in this loop and that I needed to snap out of it. So, I tried baking, but I get annoyed when I'm not instantly good at something, I hate making mistakes and feel I should have a natural hidden talent for everything I try out. Although I'm good at baking, I could do it and it wasn't bad, but nothing was extraordinary or addictive in a way that I'd want to stuff my face, doesn't mean I didn't do it, just means I wished for better results and less failures. But after I stopped baking because I was bummed out, everything went on like normal again and it really annoyed me, so much that I became more irritable than usual. But I couldn't do much, I was always surrounded by servants and council members, Nobles and High Nobles, Alistair and his whole family and my father, and so much happened in so little time that I think I suppressed everything to make me feel fine and good and to make not think of all the bad things that happened, and I may have overdone it because I kinda zapped through time. It was like nothing happened and yet so much.

When I was feeling more irritable than usual, it scared me. I know I won't hurt anyone, I know I can control myself, it's not that big of a deal. But when I look at a knife I get this certain feeling within me. It's like a small rush. Like, I look at it and I just see all the possible ways I could hurt myself or someone else within the shine of the knife. And I can't stop it, the shine will be there when light is there and I see it and I know what it can do and I know what I can do and it scares me because this feeling I get, that small rush, it's not unpleasant. It's like this little trance I get in when I look at it, I stare and sometimes I stare for too long. Everything drowns out, sounds and everything, the only thing I'd see would be the knife.

And when I was baking, I had this knife in my hand and it was quite sharp of course, and I held and it and I thought of all the ways I could just stab myself. I angled it so it faced my wrists and I tried to keep myself from letting it touch my skin, but it did and if I put any more pressure I would have cut myself, I realized that and snapped out of it and I quickly threw it back where it belonged. And that really scared me because who knows what I could have done. I thought of how it could stab me, I imagined and almost already felt how the knife would dig into my sweater and how I'd have to plunge it in if I wanted results. And I'd think of the pain I'd feel and how much blood I'd lose. I'd think of how long it'd take anyone at all to find me and I realize I'm no longer living in a house where everyone's hours are predictable and that the house is empty at times, not here, everyone can be here, everyone is here. Nobles, High Nobles, servants, anyone really.

And it's not just knifes. Practically any object I see that could remotely be used in a harmful way would make my head bursts with possibilities. With the right grip on a glass bottle you could swing and shatter it on someone's head, or if it's thicker glass you can knock them to the ground. You can stab someone's bare skin quite easily with a pen, scissors or any utensil. You could shove certain objects down someone's throat as to block their lungs for oxygen. A chair. I had many illusions in many situations where I'd just want to stand up, grab a chair and beat it to their heads until they stop talking. But I controlled myself, because I can, because I am redeeming myself.

Now a year went by and I keep thinking that when I asked him to marry me, I was convinced he'd decline and I'd be sad about it, but it'd be fine because at least I tried. Yet now ... I am forced to marry him. A man who wants nothing to do with me after I told him I wanted nothing to do with him. But he's 'fine', he's pissed I can tell, but he holds it within him, which is worse I think, because how can he still pick colors out and ask me stuff about my dress and our matching accessories and organize it all while being forced to marry me?