Matrimonio Rotto

undici

◇unedited◇

"He have to apologize." He strongly said. He griped on my thighs, looking at me with such a strong desire to make that happen.

"The problem is not him, James." I told him slowly. He listened very carefully. "But you." I finished the sentence.

"I don't care what they think about me, because they are not people that I am close to. But you, you've been by my side every single day. You were... my husband." It was hard for me to say it. I have no idea that it can be painful.

"Jamee." He plead and got off the chair to come closer to me. "I am still your husband."

"A husband would never rejected his wife, especially in front of his parents." I said, sadness laced in my voice. I thought I could forget about that, but the thought will always come back.

He brought his hand up to touch my cheek, but I pushed it away. His eyes widened and his breath suddenly come out in short. In a minutes shortly, his breathing become irregular like he's having a hard time breathing. His eyes are tightly closed and his body swayed.

"James." I called out his name, grabbing his face with both of my hands. "Listen to my voice, James. There's nothing for you to be worried about, okay? I'm here." I whispered those words to his ear, so he can focus just on my voice.

I have never seen him having a panic attack.

"James." He shook his head, refused to hear me out. I hopped off the chair and assist him to slide down to the floor. I tried not to panic for both of our sakes.

Both of his hands are fisted tightly. His irregular breathing continues.

"Listen to me, James. Breath in, breath out slowly. Calm down, I'm here." I touched his chest, trying to calm him down.

It took several minutes until his breathing become regular again and his body to relaxed. He still haven't open his eyes yet. He have fears and it might be the cause of his panic attack.

I have my arms wrapped around him. My fingers run through his thick hair.

"Don't leave, Jamee. It scares me. I need you." He slowly said as his arms tightened around me. His head rested on my neck and his voice came out as a murmured.

My chest felt tightened seeing him so vulnerable like this. But not only him that needs me at this moment, I left my daughter home with a babysitter. Even though Vincenzio trust her, I couldn't leave her alone with the sitter.

"But I have to go, James. I'll be back on Monday." I said as I tried to get him off me. But my words just make him even stickier, I couldn't get him off.

"No, no, no." He shook his head in fear.

"Open your eyes, James and look at me." I commanded him, grabbing his face, so that he's looking directly at me. His eyeballs moved and his eyelids slowly opened. It looked like he just woke up from a sleep.

"I came here not for nothing, James. But seeing you like this, I will talk to you tomorrow." I let out a sighed. I couldn't possibly continued a conversation with him in this condition. "Come, get up. You need to rest and relax. Everything is going to be fine." I told him.

I got up first and then I help him up on his feet. I hold on to his arm, assisting him to walk. We passed the staircase and he was about to walked up when we walk to a different way. He looked at me in confusion.

"To the living room, James. So, Benjamin can look after you." I made an excused to not come upstairs. He didn't complained and we make our way to the living room. Since Diane is not working anymore, he have no one to take care of the house. There's only Benjamin who is working today. So, I will need him to look after James.

As soon as he hit the couch, his body just shut down on its own. Maybe he was tired after all.

I make my way out of the house after making sure he's safe on the couch. I saw Benjamin as I am almost at the gate.

"Do you need a ride?" He asked me.

"No. Can you look after him? He had a panic attack. Have that happen to him before?" I asked in curiosity. I wanted to know what triggered him.

"Once. He was very helpless at that time. He was afraid that you wouldn't come back, he really needs you, Jamee. It was the day when he found the person who was responsible for your killing spree and succeeded in killing him before everyone gets to you." Benjamin explained.

"He really killed someone?" I asked again to make sure. I do believe James when he said it. Because, in the mafia world there's no joking around.

"He did, for you. So stay, Jamee. Come back to him and be happy again." Benjamin wisely said to me.

"But everything changed now, Benjamin. He's getting married, isn't he? I couldn't hold him back." I finally voiced out the reason why I came here today.

"You are divorcing him?" Benjamin asked in surprised.

We stopped in front of the gate as he was accompanying me walking up to the gate.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Benjamin." I avoided in answering his question. I was sure to divorce him before coming here and before hearing those stories.

But now, I have to think very wisely. How could I not love him? Of course, I do. I was heartbroken when I heard he got engaged and getting married soon.

To caught a taxi right in front of his house is close to zero. I need to walk to the main road to find one. So, I'm walking down the pathway to get in to the main road. There is a shortcut to get down, but I'm feeling like taking a long road.

And it was a mistake I regretted after coming back to town.