But It Isn't Right (Duskwood Fanfic)

Episode 3 - Cryptic Conversations

Thank goodness, Cleo was OK. But she was still with Thomas, who had been the person at the door, and she was acting strange. She said she'd text me when she got home.

Then we got new info from Thomas, who officially reappeared. He went to the police and they told him that the body didn't belong to Hannah. That was such a relief--even though for some reason I never thought it was her. It was sad that some other female was dead, though. And it could still have something to do with Hannah--though I hoped not, because it could mean she would also turn up dead. After telling us, Thomas took off once again. I was going to talk to him in the group chat, but then I played it off like I forgot what I was going to say and texted him privately.

Li: Hey, I just wanted to make sure you were OK. I'm sorry if the way I told you about the body was insensitive. I think I was just nervous and blurted it out.

Thomas: I'm OK now. It was upsetting at the time, but because of the information, not because of you. Thanks for checking in with me.

Li: You're welcome. If there's anything you need, even if you just want to vent, I'm here.

Thomas: I'll keep that in mind, thanks.

His reception of my sympathy was lukewarm at best. I couldn't imagine how his emotions must be all over the place. I felt so bad for him. Maybe I would touch back later and make sure he was still doing OK.

Shortly after that, US reached out. He told me that he had been reading my chat with Cleo and even listened in on our phone call. I was neutral in my response to him looking in on my conversations. I couldn't really get upset when he was also giving me access to other people's private talks. But it felt like maybe he didn't really trust me, either, even though he said he did. In the end, I told him "I get it" when he said he wished that I understood why he did it. Because I did understand, and I wasn't upset with him. It was just a bit uncomfortable.

We were discussing some clues together when US mentioned a "flaw" of his, being unable to read emotions in text. I told him it wasn't a flaw in my eyes. I was under the impression that lots of people had trouble reading emotions from texts, which is why I preferred to at least hear voices. But I guess he considered me better than him at interpretation since I noticed Cleo's odd behavior and he did not. I reassured him that I would help on that front.

When we were reading through the poem-like text we found in Hannah's cloud, I said that it seemed like she was trying to process something. It occurred to me to ask US if he'd found Hannah's behavior strange. No, he hadn't. I asked if that meant he'd never met Hannah, and he told me he would tell me everything one day. So he had things going on about Hannah that he didn't feel comfortable telling me yet. I wasn't even going to guess what those might be; I didn't know enough about either of them to come to that conclusion. 

We moved on to other topics, namely, Hannah's medication. US didn't think Hannah was depressed. He also wanted to ensure that I didn't think Hannah died by suicide and that it wasn't up for debate. "Fine by me," I responded. Everyone knew Hannah better than I did, so if US didn't think she was suicidal, then we would leave it at that. I believed even more now that he'd left the chat earlier because he was upset about her being depressed.

People talk a lot about moody artists and how we're all depressed or gonna end up going crazy and cutting our ears off like Van Gogh. In some ways, it can be true. Spending your life creating something, whether it's visual arts, music, written word, acting, etc., causes you to feel a lot of strong emotions in order to evoke them in others. If you're not feeling what you're creating, then chances are, your audience won't either. The trick is to balance having to stuff a year's worth of emotions into a couple of hours and then leave your work behind and try to act like an emotionally healthy human being. That's why I had my ritual of working out, showering, and eating at the end of each workday; three self-care tasks that calmed me down and let me reset myself for the evening.