But It Isn't Right (Duskwood Fanfic)

Again

"Hi Alan...no, I didn't realize. I'll talk to her. No, I don't think so. OK, bye." Richy sat down on the couch with me, but not as close as he usually did. "Li, why do you have your phone off?"

"Jake admitted that he hacked my phone again. He was tracking me, and it made me uncomfortable. So I turned it off."

"What?" Richy's eyes darkened with anger. "How dare he, after everything you've been through?"

"He doesn't know what I've been through. I'm mad at him and don't trust him, but he doesn't even understand why. For him, our last communication was--what, two years ago? He was kept in the dark about everything since then. He doesn't even know that Hannah's dead! I told him I would keep in touch, but I don't know if I can."

Richy reached for me, and then pulled back. "I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry."

"You can tell me why you don't want to be close to me anymore," I requested.

"It isn't that I don't want to. But what you said in therapy, it felt like a rejection," he responded. "I know you've said it before, but I can't stop hoping you'll change your mind. So I'm trying to give you some space and keep my sanity."

I shook my head. "Look what a mess I am. I can't regulate my moods, I can't work, and I flinch at everyone who tries to touch me, except you. I might have put on a good show with Tyler this morning but I feel broken inside. And Jake--I don't even know what to do about him. It feels horrible to say that I wish he'd never resurfaced. He's been held prisoner for so long and he was forced to do things. I'm glad that he escaped, but I'm also sort of glad he has to go away again. I can't stand the idea of hearing his voice, of seeing him again. I know he's not the one who did anything to hurt us, but that doesn't make me feel any safer with the idea of him being around. See? I'm a terrible person. You shouldn't want to be with me."

"I think your reactions are understandable, given what you went through. And I also understand them, because I'm having a hard time distinguishing how I see Tyler versus Jake as well. I hope that in time, things will change, if only because I want you to live free of these worries.." Richy put his hand on mine. "You're not a terrible person, Li. And I do want to be with you. I don't think you could ever do anything to change that, so I guess we'll both have to get used to it."

"I was already used to it," I told him. "But I spent a long time with you not giving you my all, even though that's what you did for me. And the proof of it was when Ja--when Tyler called, and I went running to him. No matter what you said or did to contribute to it, I got into that taxi and I didn't have to. That part was fully my choice, and if I had been truly with you how I should have been, it wouldn't have happened."

"So, we're back where we started," Richy said miserably. "All I want is you, but you're holding back, and Jake stands between us."

"No," I told him firmly. "Jake is no longer between us. I mean, I still care about him. We went through something together, and we were close at the time. But it was years ago now.

"You, on the other hand...I know I love you. We know each other. You're my first boyfriend, my first love. And especially now that I know it wasn't Jake, I wish I had all those other experiences with you. But I didn't, Richy. I spent all that time in love with a lie, and that did something to me. He took away so much that I can't get back."

Richy nodded. "I know. And if you're trying to keep us from being together so that you can heal, that's one thing. But if you're doing it because you think that you're protecting me, or you're not who I want anymore, then please don't push me away anymore," he begged. 

"Richy," I sighed. "I won't use you like that. And I won't be with you when I'm in this state. It wouldn't be good for either of us."

He took a shaky breath and smiled at me. "That isn't a no. That means there's hope. I'll hold onto that hope for both of us. You don't need to carry it, OK? I've got you." I climbed into his lap, needing his comfort and also feeling guilty for it. My emotions and my life were in turmoil. This was just the eye of the storm.