But It Isn't Right (Duskwood Fanfic)

Lost

"No, Li, we can't think like that. Do you think Jake would just let you go? That guy...he's never giving up on you. I've watched him try." Richy was trying to be encouraging, but it just caused me more pain.

"He would have to give up on me eventually. Besides, you let me go," I snapped, then immediately felt bad at the pain on Richy's face.

"And it's something I'll regret forever," he replied in anguish.

"Richy, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"What other way is there for you to mean it?" he asked dejectedly.

"That was completely uncalled for on my part," I responded. "I think the stress is getting to me, or maybe whatever drug they're giving us, and it's making me act strangely." He was silent, and I decided that we needed to have it out if we were going to get past it. "Richy, it hurt me, a lot, when you sent me away to Jake. I know you thought that you were doing it for me, but you destroyed us in the process. And if I'm being honest, I don't think I ever forgave you for it."

"But, you ended up with Jake, and you're happy. You're marrying him, for heaven's sake. So didn't I do the right thing?"

"You decided to end our relationship, unilaterally. You didn't discuss it with me first, and you didn't give me a chance to have my say. Sometimes, I wonder if I would have made the same choice if you had truly allowed me to decide what I wanted and when I was ready."

"Wait--what are you saying?! Are you telling me that you're not sure about Jake?"

"What I'm saying is that at the time that it happened, I was probably not in the right mindset to make a decision that important, and that's because of how you pushed me away."

"But you're such a loyal person, and so forgiving, Li. I mean, look how much you've put up with from Thomas. The guy sent you to almost-certain death without a second thought, and you treat him like a friend. So how is it that if you can forgive him for that but you can't forgive me for letting you go so you can meet your future fiance?"

"Because I was never in love with Thomas. I was in love with you, and I still am. Even though you made me feel rejected, more than once, you're my first love and my first boyfriend. I don't know if I'll ever get over you. You told me that you let me go because otherwise, we'd never know how I felt about Jake. But the thing is that by letting me go, you left me to wonder forever about what would have happened if you'd let me stay."

Richy was about to answer when another tray slid through the door. I got up and retrieved it, setting it on the bed between us. "Did you have anything you wanted to say?" I asked him.

"I wish I had better words than 'I'm sorry,' because that doesn't even come close to covering it. I hadn't considered that point of view before. I thought I was doing what's best for you, and maybe also protecting myself because by letting you go, I got to be the one to walk away. It felt like I was controlling a situation that I hadn't controlled for so long. But I was just fooling myself, wasn't I? You would have stayed with me; you wanted to stay with me."

I nodded. "I could have fought back harder, but I was so upset. I even told Jessy I needed to go back to you, but she encouraged me to meet Jake, too. She said--that I owed it to both of you. I should have just refused, or called Jake back instead of going to meet him. But I was hurt, so hurt. You and I both could have made better choices. I think I didn't realize until now that I was still angry at you about it, though."

"How do we get past this? Can you ever forgive me, Li? I thought I was doing the right thing!"

I nodded. "I forgive you. I think I had to admit it to get over it."