Lightning

Chapter XIV.

.Age 16. Part 3.

    After the dream I just had I couldn't even think about eating, all I could think about was him and how nice it would be to be that close to him. Was I gay? I mean I like girls. Right?  What is wrong with me? For once can't I just have a normal life. Why does everything have to be so complicated?
   I walked next door to Diane's house. My Grandmas neighbor. On her patio was my Dad with Diane's daughter Dusk and her daughter in law Cat. Dusk had mid length brown hair and lips of a killer, skinny girl too. We like to joke and I call her my skinny mama. I am very close with the family next door. I even go to high school with her grandson Neil. Cat was a taller woman with long curly brown hair. She is the Coolest. If I ever needed to talk about any random thing she was the one to go to. But not about this. This was something I could never let anyone know about me. I couldn't risk it getting back to my parents especially my Grandma. She is catholic. Hard core catholic. If she found out she would banish me from her home and spray me down with holy water. No one can know.

"Oh hi precious!" Dusk said.

She likes to call me precious because she said I remind her of Golem from Lord of the Rings.

"Hi skinny mama." I said joining them in the patio.

"How was Frankenmuth bud?" My Dad asked with a cigarette between his teeth. Made me want to light one up with him.

"It was fun." I said.

"Good. Did you give Kyle a good ride."

My head snapped up at him and my tone arose.

"What did you just say?" I snapped.

"I asked if Kyle had a good time. What's with you?" He asked.

"Sorry. Nothing I am just tired." I said hanging my head.

"Everything okay?" Cat asked. She can always tell when something is wrong or if someone is lying. A trait I wish I had.

"Yeah just had a long weekend."  I said.

"Are you and Kyle still taking Colt tomorrow?" Dusk asked.

Colt is her youngest child out if 3. Karmen is the oldest, she is my age. Then she has Alley who is my sisters age, 10 and then Colt who is 7. Their father just passed away last November and Kyle offered to take Colt for the day to dinner and the park. I felt bad having Kyle pay for the whole thing but I am poor. No money from Mom or Dad. I am not mad about it I just get jealous of kids who do have money. My Mom keeps telling me to just get a job. Like it is the easiest thing to do. I apply and have been applying since I was 14. She would drive me to random stores and refuse to leave until I grabbed an application. She claims I was mooching off of her but I was 14 I didn't have a job and it is illegal in the state of Michigan to work below the age of 15. So what would she have liked me to do.

"Yeah he will be here at 5." I say.

They all put their cigarettes out and Cat went home, Dusk went inside and Dad and I went home to go to sleep.

Maybe that's what I needed was just more sleep. I hadn't been sleeping through the night in a while. Maybe I just needed to let my mind do its thing.

The next day....

It's almost 5 and Kyle is on his way. I was so nervous to see him again after my dream last night. But I couldn't let it show I and to put on a front that nothing had changed because in reality, nothing had changed. It was just my mind fucking with me. Why couldn't I control this.

*I'm here.* he texts me and my heart jumps.

Colt and I head outside and get in Kyle's car. My heart racing just sitting in the passenger seat next to him on our way to Red Robin. Okay this is ridiculous, I have to tell someone. MORGAN! Morgan might know what's going on, she has a long distance thing going on with a girl so maybe she will get it.

We arrive at the restaurant and are told to wait for a table. Kyle and Colt go to the bathroom so now is the perfect time to text Morgan.

*hey can I ask you something?* I send
         
           *sure what's up?*

*well I have feelings for someone...*

           *oh my God that's great. Who?*

*I don't want to say.*

            *do I know her?*

*its not a her.*

           *oh...*

*yeah it's still all so new and I don't know what is going on lol*

            *okay calm down. You're just bi curious it's no big deal.*

*bi curious?*

        *yeah. So who is he.*

*I don't wanna say. It could ruin our friendship.*

         *oh my God*

*what*

           *its Kyle isn't it?*

*DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE*

           *don't worry I won't but you need to tell him*

*why?*

           *it will make you feel better. I told Haven I was in love with her. It's no big deal*

*wait...WHAT. shit g2g I will call later*

            *good luck lover boy*

I tucked my phone back into my pocket when I saw them come out of the bathroom. I can do this. I can pretend like nothing is wrong. I have to.

....

Dinner went well and the park was cut short because of the rain. My feelings haven't changed and I was beginning to wonder if they ever would. I don't want to feel this. It's wrong. He is straight and even if he were gay he wouldn't go for someone as damaged as me. I felt horrible he didn't deserve this. What was I to do. I needed to talk to someone, someone who I knew wouldn't give me false hope and wouldn't lie to me...Hannah!

I pulled out my phone and gave her a call.

After a almost 6 hour long phone call she set me straight. That yes, I did have feelings for him and she agreed with Morgan that it would not be healthy to keep inside. But what was I supposed to do. Just blurt out I love you. That wouldn't work. Hannah said she would tell him but honestly he should hear it from me. Not anytime soon though. I need to figure me out first.

...

2 months later....
December.

After feeling like this for 2 months I found something that took the pain away. Hannah and Morgan were right. Keeping it inside was no good, the pain and guilt built up until it felt like my insides were on fire. Lately I have found a new approach to my pain. Not a healthy one but an effective one. I began cutting myself. It felt great, all the pressure built up inside me finally let out. Crimson relief. That is not all that has happened In the 2 months. I redownload meetme and began talking to someone. He made me laugh, he was so sweet and very sexy. Daniel. Or should I say Dan. He hated being called Daniel. I was still a mess but hopefully he could help me get over Kyle.

    During algebra class Carlee and I would message him off my kik account. I enjoyed it really, getting to know him. It almost made me forget about Kyle. Almost. Dan was a year older than me. He was 6'2, had brown hair that was spiked in the front and shaved on the sides. He was very slender but muscular at the same time. Carlee always liked to tease me saying I needed to reel his ass in my fishing boat. She always found a way to make me laugh.
    I had come out as bi to a few people, except Kyle. He doesn't know yet. Honestly I forgot who I told and didn't really care. Dan made me happy and made me feel human again for the first time in years.  We weren't dating but we have been trying to meet up for about a month and plans keep getting interrupted. I hoped and prayed that I would meet him soon. I thought I could forget about Kyle if I had Dan. Lord knows I was wrong and Dan would be my worst downward spiral yet.