Lightning

Chapter XX

.Age 18. Part 1.

Things went down with Dan. He was gone. Mourning him was the hardest thing I have had to do. But if you thought that was bad, there was so much more to come.

Kyle and I started talking again. He really was there this time. Listening and understanding everything that happened. After the argument with Morgan and Carlee we kinda stopped talking for a while. I think we all needed the time to cool off. Morgan and Haven even started talking again. Thank goodness. It is now my 18th birthday and Kyle is taking me to Buffalo Wild Wings for my birthday. I was 18 now. That means I am finally a legal adult. I can buy my own cigarettes now. I know that sounds stupid but I was so excited. Not to smoke, although I enjoyed it. But to finally be able to purchase something because I had finally come of age. My Aunt Jenna also made my birthday special. She is paying for my 3rd tattoo. The Evanescence symbol on the back of my neck. I wanted a tattoo to symbolize all the things that last year had brought me. And Evanescence as a whole sums all of that up, from My Heart Is Broken to My Immortal and of course Bring Me To Life.

     The dinner was nice, Kyle and I actually had a good time. Talking about the things we had missed in each other's lives while not talking. And I enjoyed it. And the shocker to me was that I had no feelings for him. Okay, maybe a little bit but it was nowhere near how I felt last time I had seen him. Things were going really well. Almost. Haven and Kyle still weren't talking and Morgan and I had just started slowly talking again. It's sad really. The 4 of us, 'the group' had not hung out all together in almost a year. We see each other at parties but other people are around too so it's not quite the same. When Kyle dropped me off at my Dads he came in for a piece of cake and took off. Dad and I had a cigarette together. I know it sounds stupid but I had been looking forward to that all day. Smoking was his thing and I could now legally do it with him, just like when I turn 21 I am going out with my Mom, I can't wait for that too but I have a while yet.

This is our senior year in school. Should be exciting right? Well at first it was. I had my family in my ear constantly saying "If I graduated." And that always bugged the shit out of me. I have all my credits, I am passing all of my classes, and I just shaved all of my hair off so I have all of my community service hours. I am graduating but they always say if. I wasn't the only one having issues. Morgan and Kyle had a huge falling out. I doubt they will ever talk again. Haven and I are good and so are Haven and Morgan. Haven and Kyle are doing a little better but that's mainly because I told them that if they didn't behave at the Christmas party I would whoop both of their asses. Then Kyle and I began a downward spiral again. We hadn't even made up for 6 months yet and already I was getting pushed. My feelings had come back at full force and of course my go to girls helped me as much as they could. Hannah I would call every single night and just vent. I told her how I was scared that I would lose him for good and that I don't want to feel this way. She said 'control it'. And Carlee would tell much more. I have been cutting myself hating what was going through my head. I loved him, I loved him a lot. I have no clue why. He had been a jackass for a month straight. Then out of the blue messages me when Dan died. I had mixed emotions about the whole thing but again couldn't Express how I felt. She would give her sympathy but then yell at me for cutting.

It must be that I have a thing for complete assholes. It's the only thing that makes sense. Dan was perfectly fine until he got what he wanted, me. Then Kyle and I were good. He said the whole me being in love with him wasn't going to bother him but I knew eventually he would feel weird and that's my theory as to why he randomly stopped talking to me. Maybe its genetic, my Mom has Jessie and as for me I had Dan and Kyle.

My rehab will be over by the time I graduate and I have to say I have been doing fairly well. I haven't had any urges and haven't even thought about doing cocaine again. Smoking, yes but not drugs. Not ever again. I also burned the list of my regulars. I wanted to better myself. And that included no more happy calls. The amount of money I lost by getting rid of that list is insane, if I told you you wouldn't believe it.

The feelings I had for Kyle got out of control, I realize that now. I was just afraid of losing one of the constants in my life. We had been friends for 8 years and I didn't want to see that ruined just because I couldn't get my shit together. What happened next was my fault. I know that now. The one girl I have ever been jealous of in my life. Kyra.