Love At First Fight

Chapter Forty Nine

Trevor

It's not fair.

I had never meant to hurt her. It wasn't like I had just come across her one day and then decided that I was going to dig up something dirty from her past and use it to hurt her. It was never my intention to mess up this badly. I never meant to do any harm.

But you knew that it would.

I did know that it would. Once she found out the truth that I'd been keeping from her, she'd never forgive me. I knew that, yet I continued to let her believe the lies that she'd been told. I'm no different than anyone else in her life who's lied to and used her. Things had been going well for the two of us and then I just had to go and screw it up.

But you didn't mean to hurt her.

The same mantra continuously runs through my mind over and over until I feel as though I'm going to drive myself insane. I attempt to convince myself that I'm not the guilty one in this situation. That as long as I didn't intend to do anything wrong, she can't hold it against me forever.

But I knew what I was doing. I knew exactly what the outcome of this was going to be when the truth did end up coming out. It doesn't matter what I want to believe my intentions were because that doesn't change my actions. Intentions directly correlate with actions and I could have chosen to change mine.

But I didn't.

Instead I made the decision to keep everything from her for my own selfish reasons. That in itself is unforgivable. At least for me it would be. If the roles were reversed and I were in Violet's shoes, I would hate me too. I would absolutely despise me.

I had never meant to get this close to Violet when I initially asked her to be my coach. After finding out who she was at school the day after our fight, it didn't take long before I made some connections. In the letters that my father would periodically leave me he talked very highly of the best friend that he had made while in high school. He'd tell stories of their adventures together and how they eventually ended being partners in the Ring together. These letters started coming after I had joined the ring myself, showing that my father was still watching over my after all. Before I had started fighting myself he would never mention own history in the Ring. Perhaps to keep me away from it.

In one of his letters from a few months ago he had talked about how his best friend had a daughter around my age who was also in the Ring. He never really got into much detail about her, mostly just highlighting that she was exactly like her father. That she was in the Ring as well and that they'd both been keeping up with the two of us for some time.

I understood very early on what situation Violet was in. I knew about her father. I knew that she was one of the best fighters in the Ring. And I knew that if I explained my true reasoning to her it could lose me my only chance at finally reaching my father.

Thinking about the entire situation on top of showing up to Miles's house drunk,  I can't help but to feel like an absolute asshole. I didn't even give her 24 hours to be pissed off before showing up at her door and that may have simply fueled the fire even more.

Sighing to myself, I finish cutting the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I had started making a few minutes ago and situate it on a plate. I have an absolute hangover from hell pounding away at my head, but I don't bother taking any pain medication. I probably deserve any pain that I get at this point.

I take the plate along with a bottle of water and carry it upstairs. I knock on the door once, just like I do everyday around this time, before walking in to find my mother in the same spot she's always in.