Again. Again. Again. 《 l.s》

♡ SIXTY ♡

“Some people scream for help, while others whisper. But most of the time, the whisperers need it the most.” - Taylor (Me)

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Songs 

Girl Crush - Harry Styles Cover

Heather - Conan gray 

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Harry's Diary. Keep out!!!! Please.

November 4th

I just found this journal so I’m gonna write in it. 

Louis got a girlfriend yesterday. Her name is Kat. She is not the nicest person I’ve ever met. She sat in both my lunch spot and my car spot. So after school, I went home and threw up everywhere. At lunch, they thought I couldn’t hear them talking about me.

I could.

I could hear Louis saying I was fine, even though I wasn’t. Either he didn’t care or didn’t realize. But considering the fact that he didn’t sit with me today at lunch, didn’t pick me up, and slammed me into a locker. I’m gonna go ahead and assume 

He just didn’t care.

•••

November 5th 

I scrubbed today so it hurts to write. 

Louis didn’t answer the phone. 

•••

November 6th 

Niall drove me home today and said he’s gonna do it every day from now on. Which is nice. And If I close my eyes and imagine hard enough, I can convince myself it’s Louis driving me instead. I still have to walk to school though. 

•••

November 7th 

I flinched away from Louis today, the look on his face hurt almost as much as my arm did. But at least we made up. Maybe now we can be happy and back to before.

•••

November 10th

I’ve been thinking and Kat is really pretty. I have been looking through her Instagram. She is so beautiful, she has long chocolate brown hair and bright green eyes. She has a perfect figure, she’s just perfect in general. 

I’m not even half as pretty. 

Maybe if I had all of her attributes Louis would love me instead of her. I kinda want to kiss her, not because I like her. Because that way it would be like kissing Louis. I want to hug her  because it would be like hugging Louis. I wanna do everything with her that I wanna do with Louis. 

Because I don’t think Louis wants to do them with me. 

•••

November 13th 

Louis and I had another fight. He called me a freak, told me to get back to the circus. And a lot of other things. 

Things my father used to call me. 

Then he stormed out and left footprints on the stairs. 

And footprints on my heart. 

•••

November 14th 

I couldn’t go to school today, they were too loud. And I didn’t wanna see Louis' perfect face sitting there in English. 

•••

November 16th 

How I wish I could turn back time
To the days he was somewhat mine 
To the days when our hearts were one 
When our clocks of love had just begun

How I wish I could turn back time
To when his love seemed like a crime 
When he held me tight for so long
When his voice was my favorite song 

But the hands of time cannot go back
And I must learn to face the fact
His new life has no room for me 
Yet I still love him….secretly.

•••

November 17th 

I went to school today, I didn’t look at Louis at all though.  And I don’t plan on doing so anytime soon. I keep my head down and stay as quiet as possible. The voices are starting to tell me to do really bad things to myself. 

Maybe if I give in they will be quiet.

Forever.

•••

November 19 

I had a ‘freak out’  today in English. I know Louis was looking at me, probably judging me. But I didn't look over. I couldn’t do it. I wanted to though. I haven’t gotten to see the beautiful blue of his eyes in almost a week. 

•••

November 20th 

It’s getting really bad. I can barely go to school. I wonder if Louis notices that I'm struggling. I wonder if he notices that I bounce my leg 60 times an hour. I wonder if he notices that I’m not bringing my lunch anymore. Even though we don’t eat together. 

I’m just not hungry, ever. 

I wonder if he notices me anymore. 

•••

November 21st

I know that Louis doesn’t like me. I watch the way he looks at her when she walks by. Like she’s the only girl in the world. 

She’s got him mesmerized. 

While I die. 

•••

November 23rd 

Somedays, I feel everything at once.
 
Other days, I feel nothing at all.

I don’t know what’s worse. Downing beneath the waves. Or dying from the thirst. 

•••

November 25th

Silly me thinking I was good enough. I never got to tell Louis alot of stuff. I never got to tell him about my dolphin collection. I never got to tell him that he was the only person I trusted. I ever got to tell him how much…

I loved him  

•••

November 27th 

Just a little bit of your heart was all I wanted.

••••••

The next chapter will be a little bit of info and then we will get back to the story. 

This is basically the conclusion of the sad chapters. Things will be getting better from here.

Love you 

- T xxxx