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55

Kai

I felt sick to my stomach. I missed Shadow. As crazy as it sounded, being that he never left me alone. But I missed us. I missed kissing and fucking. Every time I leaned in to see if he was ok with it, he'd tense up; even balling his fists at his sides. I knew he was disgusted with me. How could he not be after what he saw? I took off into the woods; basically asking for it as my heat took over. I willingly kissed that one eyed freak. I had a choice after all, I could have chose to die loyal to Shadow. I know that's what Shadow would have done if he had been in that situation. I wondered if he had saw that part. For sure he saw the guy starting to rub into me from behind; saw a dick swinging in my face. I'm sure he had smelled the precum smeared on my body. I was damaged good at best.
Is that what he saw every time I leaned in to kiss him? It made me cringe knowing he had to see me like that and would probably forever see me as that. As a victim.
"You know what scares me the most?" Shadow said from his chair as he stared at me and only then did I realize I had been looking into his eyes. I had gotten lost in thought and blushed, glad he wasn't a mind reader.
"Mm?" I looked away.
"Is knowing I can't save you from yourself. From your thoughts attacking you," he was on his knee in front of me, looking up into my eyes. He grabbed my face and leaned up to kiss my forehead. "Be kind to yourself in there, ok?"
Ok, so he was a mind reader. Fuck, I couldn't even escape into my mind from him. But he was right. Of course Shadow didn't see me as a victim. There was no pity in his eyes when he stared at me. He wasn't treating me as if I were fragile, he didn't even respect my space. Watching me shower, the perv. I grinned thinking about this morning, trying to look extra sexy as the water poured down my body and Shadow watched with hungry eyes. But even that did nothing to spur him on. Maybe he was waiting for me to ask. But when I opened my mouth, my throat closed up.
Because sometimes it was better to not know why. What if I asked and he turned me away, told me he couldn't yet. Then I'd really feel like trash.
Maybe I had to try harder to seduce him, get his mind off what he saw.
Shadow narrowed his eyes at me. "Don't make me find a way to kill the voices in your head."
"You would," I laughed. No doubt he would find a way, the grim reaper that he was.
"Every thought you're having. Say it aloud," he said seriously. "I need to know what lies you're telling yourself."
"And how do you know they aren't horrible truths?"
He glared at me. "I knew it," he stood up. "You're blaming yourself aren't you," he pointed at me accusingly.
"You won't kiss me," I braved up and admitted. He looked at me in shock. I stood up, now angry. "You won't kiss me because you're disgusted-" as soon as the word left my mouth, he was devouring the rest from my lips. He bit into my bottom lip after a moment of our tongues clashing as I melted into the kiss.
"Hey," I hissed pulling back, touching my lip to find he pricked me with his teeth.
"That's for thinking I could ever be disgusted with you Kai. That's ridiculous," he grabbed my hand and placed it over the bulge of his jeans. His heated gaze trapping me for a second before my eyes couldn't take the heat so instead I stared down at his lips as he said, "you turn me on so fucking much Kai. What do you think I picture in my head when I watch you all day? I want to kiss every inch of you all day long, I want you to ride my dick and watch you fall apart as you cum in my hand." He let go of my hand. But I didn't pull away. I spread them over his hard on and rubbed slightly over his jeans. "I was afraid you'd flinch away from my touch, I was just waiting for you to take the lead," he finished in a more breathy tone.
"But you're the alpha," I whined, "you're supposed to lead." I leaned forward and nipped at his chin, grinning at my joke as he smiled at me.
"You know there's a such thing as power bottoms."
I laughed. "I don't think I'm that," I hated to admit.
Shadow raised an eyebrow at me. "You fight me every step of the way, you could be a power bottom for sure."
"Stop saying that word," I laughed. "I don't even like admitting I'm a bottom."
"What's wrong with that?" Shadows eyes danced with amusement. "Actually," he grabbed me and pulled me close. "Maybe we should switch it up?"
I gaped at him. "You'd let me?"
"I'd let you do anything to me Kai."
"But would you like it? Would you be ok-" he shushed me with a kiss. A wonderful melting kiss.