Sumanika ~ The Prince's Widowed Bride

56 ~ Suman Feels Better

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Suman POV

For a few days, I was angry and beyond mad at him. I could not believe he left me alone when I was crying and begging him to stay. I needed him the most when I did not know what was wrong with him. I needed him to hold me tight.

I was waiting for him to come back. It had been days and suddenly weeks, and now it was more than eight months since he had been gone.

After a few months, my anger calmed, and I started returning to my daily life. The smile that had suddenly vanished off my lips was slowly returning with the chain of events happening in the Kingdom.

Princess Rudraja was growing up. She started eating food and became a bubbly, stubborn, and active child. When Nandani would get tired, I would take her with me. I did not know, but she always reminded me of her Kaakusa.

I would talk to, laugh, and play with her most of the time. Her birthday was close, but not very close.

Kunwarsa had been in Mehrangarh since he left while Princess Rashmika was in Suryagarh. Upon their request to Ranaji, they both refused to get married.

Meanwhile, I learned that there is something known as having feelings for a woman by a woman. I was shocked when I first learned this.

But Nandani explained to me, and then I understood that Princess Rashmika and Kunwarsa never had feelings for each other. She loved someone else, and that someone else was a woman.

After knowing that, I felt foolish. Very, very, very stupid.

I hoped I had listened to Kunwarsa that day and tried to believe him when he said they were just friends.

But let bygones be bygones.

Surprisingly, after he left and after all the time I had spent alone, missing him, not emotionally but lovingly and admiringly, I realised something different in me.

Now, it was calm. It was silent all of a sudden.

After he left me, I understood what had happened to me. I learned that despite telling him that I would never judge him or that his past would never matter to me, it did. Because I was feeling for him. I was developing a love for him.

When I married my dead husband, I also told him that his past did not matter to me. I was a happy girl then; I did not know what heartbreak meant. I did not know what power my dead husband held to break me.

But this time, when I told the same thing to Kunwar Agastya, I was not a happy girl but a suffering woman who knew what this man could do to me. That was where my insecurity and distrust built up.

Unknowingly, whatever he told me about his past, I unconsciously placed myself in one of that woman's shoes with whom he slept and left. But, I failed to understand that it was consensual as those women also did not want anything else from Kunwarsa.

Meanwhile, Kunwarsa was not telling me all of that to hurt me or make me one of those. I failed to understand that he was telling me because he sought comfort. He told me to get off his burden and make me feel more important in his life. He told me to make me think that I was the one who deserved to know it. He wanted to make me believe that I was the one.

But instead, I messed up badly- and ended up doing things I would never do to anyone else.

I was so engrossed in my fear of getting hurt and pushing him away that I ended up hurting him. Nandani, and he was right. I made it all about myself when it was not.