Irondad Oneshots

Empty - Spiderson

(Peter doesn't have superpowers)

Peter's POV

I don't feel like I've got a lot of skills or talents or capabilities. I'm just a sad kid who has really bad luck. But unfortunately, bad luck results in sadness a lot of the time. Sometimes, it's long term sadness. For me, it's just confusion. It feels like I'm no longer in my body sometimes, like I've left myself and I'm watching me like I'm in a movie. Except, it's not a good movie. It's a shitty movie with a shitty character, a shitty plot, and no happy ending.

For me, it feels like I'm floating. Like nothing tethers me to the rest of my being. Like I'm a cloud, my mind's a cloud, but my body is heavy. Always heavy. Mind in the sky and body stuck in the bottom of the ocean.

For me, it feels like I'm lost. Like even though I'm in the same place I've always been, that I can't actually tell where I am. Who I am. What I'm doing. Where I'm going. It feels like I've got amnesia and suddenly I'm empty. Of all thoughts, all emotions, everything.

For me, it sucks. It sucks because I don't know who I am or what I'm doing. It's not that I want to die, it's just that sometimes, most of the time, life's a little bit too tough. To the point where I'm not sure if I can get out of bed that day.

I should be happy. I get so angry sometimes because I should be happy. There's no reason I shouldn't be happy right now. I've got May and Ned and MJ and Flash and Tony and the avengers. I've got a roof over my head, food on the table, a good education. I've got everything I need to lead a successful, happy life.

But here I am, watching the sun rise through the window for the 4th night in a row, working and working and working.

I don't know what I am, so I've gotta be smart. If there's anything I can be, it's going to be smart. I'm not kind, not funny, definitely not hot, not friendly, not brave, not anything really. At least that's how it feels. With the gaping hole inside me, no emotions, no anything. Just emptiness.

And then sometimes, the emotions hit me so hard. Hard enough that I can't tell them apart. Hard enough that I blow up at people and ruin all the good things I've got and then I'll sob and cry and scream. Panic engulfing me.

And then I go back to nothingness. To this awful emptiness where smiles are forced and laughs are fake and everything feels like it's meant to hurt, but it doesn't.

And it all sucks so much.

Because I don't have a person. I'm not a person. I don't feel like a person. I'm just a floating empty soul, wishing to be saved from this drowning.

So I've gotta be smart. Because it's my anchor. It's the only thing that keeps my cloudy soul anchored to my heavy body.

Working is all I do. Work and work and work. Until my fingers are numb and my heart is heavy and it feels like I'm going to implode. Trying to keep the overwhelming emotions at bay, but close up the gaping hole in my chest.

Because what else am I supposed to do?

What are you supposed to do when it feels like your world is crumbling around you all the time, but you're the only one who can feel it happening?

What are you supposed to do when you push every good thing you've got away? Leaving you alone and emptier than ever?

What are you supposed to do when you've got nothing left? When your soul is crumbling in the heavy weight of your body, but if you let go of the weight, the emotions make you fall apart faster?

What are you supposed to do when you're like me?

What are you supposed to do?

____

Probably will write a part 2 ? With irondad ?

Just like a little rant sort of oneshot from yours truly who's feeling pretty shitty as always lmao kill me

Shoutout to @kermittheshipper for all the comments lmao made me laugh so thanks

Lyss