Don't Speak (SBI Angst)

18

TW:Self harm mention, anorexia implications ,suicide mention, panic attack

Wilbur POV:

"Wilbur? Can we talk? Please?"

It's tommy. I wanted to avoid this. As long as he doesn't want me to push up my sleeves it should be fine.

I put a thumbs up and he follows me in.

I close my door and as I'm grabbing my notepad from my desk he begins talking.

"So I uh-" he thinks, "how... Are you? Like how are you liking it here. Its just something I wish techno had asked me within my first week you know? And tomorrow- or today I guess," he laughs, "will be your 5th day here. So.. yeah... I bet your struggling... So- how... Are you?" He barley put that together. He talked fast, he stuttered, he slowed down at bits.

I don't even know how to respond. There's no way he genuinely wanted to ask that. He didn't leave the room his best friends are in just for a 'how are you?' no fucking way.

I write simply,

I've been fine. Phil's alot nicer than other foster parents, and you and tech are nicer than other foster siblings.

"Yeah Phil's always been amazing. He definitely had to learn a lot with me and techno though. I'm not gonna spill any of technos shit, that's his job, but he did so much research just to handle me and tech, me with my panic attacks, by the way, if you ever see one of those I'm sorry. And techno with his-" he puts up air quotes "'issue' as Phil calls it." He seemed kind of annoyed at that last part, it seemed directed at phil

You okay?

He seemed to get kinda tense so I asked, no harm done!

"Oh yeah, Im just gonna go though, getting tired, goodnight Wilbur, talk to you tomorrow"

I wave with a nod and he leaves, shutting the door behind him, I hear him enter the restroom after.

Tommy POV:

'are you okay?' such a simple question, such a complex answer. So a 'yeah' has to suffice. I slide down the bathroom door with a quiet sob. No one has asked me that without it being provoked by something.

Locked myself in the bathroom: 'you okay?'

Crying: 'you okay?'

Fell: 'you okay?'

'ow': 'you okay?'

But it's very rarely a regular conversation and I just get an, 'are you okay?' I know he didn't really say it, but he looked so genuine. Atleast genuine enough to send me into a sob on my bathrooms floor.

Because the truth is, as much as I rarely admit it to myself, never to others, I'm not okay.

My father attempting to kill himself Infront of me so many times, succeeding finally after a good 2 years of repetitive 'DAD- STOP's. Until he finally did it. Finally finished himself off.

Until he finally-

5 year old me sitting in my room crying, my bed against my door hoping he doesn't come on here, hearing his head banging against the walls, how could you do that to yourself? Hit yourself against your walls so hard you end up getting a concussion the next day, yet your still here. Just to repeat this in no more than a month. Maybe next time with a gun to your head only to get your child to throw something at you to snap you out of it, me being the child in question. Maybe you'll down pills just to get the same kid to shove his fingers down your throat to make you throw up. Or maybe put a knife to your wrists in hopes to cut a vein and die.

I hear my door getting hit, most likely by his head. He won't live much longer like this he starts pushing open my door, my bed only big enough to fit me not being enough to hold him.

"D-dad- stop please- please stop calm down-"

"Don't tell me to-" he slides himself in my room, being quite skinny due to his daily meals being beer "don't tell me to calm down im- *hic* perfectly fine you little shit-"

He starts grabbing stuff in my room and slamming them into his head, eventually grabbing a glass frame with my mother in it, she passed 2 years prior.

"Dad put that down-"

He slams it against his head, getting a cut on his forehead from the glass and getting glass all over my room, I scream out in terror.

He bangs his head on my wall a few more times before eventually calming slightly down and fainting.

"D-dad-?"

He doesn't pass out. He just gets lightheaded. But this time he's bleeding... Oh nonononono

Did he-

"DAD GET UP ITS NOT FUNNY!"

no he didn't succeed-

"Tommy!"

It's tubbo.

"T-tubbo- I- get Phil-"

"Fuck hes not here- he- he should be back soon though, just a few more minutes longer tommy"

"Tubbo why did he have to-?" I sob

"Who tommy? What?"

"Why did my dad have to actually kill himself- why Infront of me- I thought I was over this bullshit memory-" I choke out

I hear the door close, Phil and technos back

"G- get them please tubs"Im still breathing super heavy and still crying

I hear him from the bottom of the stairs, I know ranboos asleep too, sleeps like a rock, I don't know about wil though.

"Phil Tommy's having a panic attack- i- he's in the bathroom"

"Shit techno take those and  tubbo stay in Tommy's room for a few minutes okay? Tommy will come in there soon, try to get some sleep"

A few minutes later Phil's at the doorway. I hear his breath hitch, it's been awhile since he's seen me like this, shaking, barley can breathe yet breathing so much, crying so quietly but if it was a video and it was muted it would look like I was screaming. To be honest, if I lived alone I would be.

"Tommy tommy come on, follow my breathing-" he takes controlled deep breaths, I try, I really do.

"I-"I cry a bit louder, still not loud enough for anyone outside of the bathroom to hear."I cant- dad I can't-"

I just hug him and start crying, now not holding back anything, "s-shut the door- i don't want them to hear me cry"

Phil does, "let it out tommy, your okay"

And I do. I cry. I cry and cry. If I could I would never stop, but eventually, my shaking stop, my breathing settles, and my sobs get quieter, silent tears now.

I kind of unlatch from around his shoulders  and wipe my eyes

"Sorry." I mumble

"Tommy your fine, do you want to talk about what just happened now or tomorrow? It's been awhile since you had a panic attack, atleast one that bad."

"I- I thought about that memory."

"Tommy why? Are you okay? What made you think of it?"

I normally would not admit this, but I did.

"Wilbur asked if I was okay, and I thought about why I'm not okay, like what went wrong?" That was my first thought.

"Tommy, I love you, you should not have gone through that. He should have gotten help. Nothing can fix that. I know you always think your 'over it's but you will never get over that deep of trauma."

"I know it's just- I don't know. Can I go to sleep now?"

"Yeah, come on... I think tubbos waiting for you. I love you Tom, goodnight."

"I love you, goodnight Phil"

A/N: Definitely not projecting onto tommy rn with the only difference being the fact his dad died 🧍‍♀️(DW I'm w my mom now💪)

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