Ascension - Book Eight - Man x Man

Chapter 102

Leaving him in bed, I couldn't risk another session. While being the object of his affection tended to lull me into a sense of security, it seemed to do something totally different for him. I hadn't expected the near comatose level of drop he got after our final session in the bathtub. 

Lethargic, it was all he could do to make it back to the bed and pass out. It would seem to allow himself to reach let level of submission, to delve into that side of himself, was mentally exhausting for him. While I couldn't doubt he enjoyed himself, I would have to dissect that further when I had more energy to unpack his current emotional state. 

Rubbing my eye with the back of my hand, I yawn as I step into the kitchen, only to pause when I notice Helen in her pajamas. The low hum of the television indicated that at least one of the children was awake, she flushes when she sees me wearing Verando's shirt and a simple pair of soft shorts. I note that she's wearing a near identical outfit and cock an eyebrow. 

"Good.. morning?" I question, checking the clock on the wall to see it was nearly 10:30.

"You need to invest in better soundproofing, you both came inside last night like a couple of teenagers giggling and carrying on. The news says you exploded a car?"

A lecture from Helen was not what I was expecting. "I mean, I didn't blow it up. It just... did?" I retort, moving to grab a mug out of the cabinet and pouring myself a cup of coffee. "You look like you're trying to mend your marriage."

Hesitating, she runs a hand through her short hair, considering my words as she traces the finger of her free hand over the rim of her coffee. "I don't know what I'm doing."

"Do any of us?" I wrinkle my nose at the coffee, pouring it out with a heavy sigh. "The ability to make better coffee would be a considerable start." I pour out the pot, opting to make tea instead for I knew my warlord would be appreciative when he woke up. "It's an easy question, are you happy or not?"

Snagging a bagel off the island, she seats herself on one of the bar stools and I couldn't help but chuckle at the familiarity. I remember having a conversation much like this with Tonic, when he was still my best friend, when he was someone I could trust. "I don't want to be happy. It feels like a goal that can't be obtained, I just want to be comfortable."

"Not good enough." I conclude, "Eternity is a long time to only be comfortable."

"Tyler doesn't have eternity." She frowns, folding her hands over her cup. "He wants a family. A home. A life that I can't give him, that I don't want to give him. I don't want children, I don't want to try and create something that royally fucked me up and killed my mother, I watch you and Papa and I can't help but think how much easier your lives would be without all of this family drama. Without children."

Placing my hands on the counter, my back to her, I take in her words because I remember feeling exactly the same until I didn't. I remember Verando telling me that I was wasting my life on him, and that our lives were not compatible. I'd been Tyler, in a sense, but I also had been where Helen was coming from. I was comfortable with Marcus, but I wasn't in love with him. 

I could have found comfort in Tonic, when he decided that I was something worth pursuing.

But it was my warlord, my husband, Verando, who made me swoon. "Is that what Tyler actually wants or what you think he wants?"

"Tyler wants to be obsessed with me." Helen almost sounds disgusted. "He just wants me to be happy."

"But you can't be?" 

Helen glances up at me with those light eyes that remind me so much of her father, so much of her grandfather. The pain, regret, the burden of an Alpha.