The Weight of Dreams || Greta Van Fleet

Chapter 30: Might Say No

Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was just the fact that close was never close enough when it came to him. I felt my body tense up as he slowly intertwined our fingers, subtly peeking down at me with a smile.

It was impossible to contain mine.

Soon enough, we emptied our glasses for the last time, stumbling our way through the now deserted bar and out towards the bus. I couldn't believe it worked. I hadn't had a night like this for as long as I could remember. It was so nice to finally get a taste of anonymity. It almost made me wish I didn't have to jump back into reality again come tomorrow morning.

As the guys piled onto their bus, I felt Jake's hands move to my waist, slowly moving me away from the door and off to the side. I leaned back up against the cold metal, staring up at him, once again unable to keep myself from smiling; every time I looked at him I couldn't help but smile, feeling my heart beat faster than usual.

It was rare that I got nervous around anyone anymore, and maybe this wasn't nerves at all, but rather.. excitement. It had been years since I was excited about just a moment alone with Don, feeling more like business partners than lovers, so now to just be looked at the way Jake looked at me..

He then reached up, carefully taking his hat from off of my head, and gently ran his fingers through my hair. I moved in closer, wrapping my arms around him, wanting nothing more than to bury myself within him, to try and savor these moments for as long as I could before tomorrow reminded me of who I really was.

I then felt his hand gently move down my neck, and then caressed my cheek, pulling me in closer, our faces now inches apart.
"You are so beautiful, Juliette." He whispered, leaning his forehead against mine. And for the first time in a long time, it didn't feel like he was looking at me, but into me. I finally felt seen.

"Why?" I asked, just needing to be sure before I let myself fall any deeper. I had heard it a million times, every day, all day, but they only saw what was on the surface, what was perfectly curated in order to capture the attention of millions, of course that was beautiful. It was made to be.

But it wasn't really me.

His smile grew as he gently ran his fingers through my hair again, his eyes now moving down to my lips. It was so easy to melt within his hands, wanting nothing more than to taste him again.

"You make me feel things I've never felt before, like.. maybe being me is enough. You have.. all of this, but even still.. when it's just us, it's like.. none of that matters, like.. you can appreciate the little things, and.. well, to someone like me, the little things are the big things, they're.. everything."
"What do you mean.. someone like you?" I asked, moving in closer. He bit down on his lip, holding his stare on me for a moment, as if reluctant to talk about it.

"You know what I mean." He said softly. I guess I did, but that's what I liked about him. He wasn't impressed by all of this, and if he was, he was good at hiding it. As far as I knew, he liked me for me, and it was more than I've ever felt in my entire life.

"Jake.."
"Yeah?"
"Please.. just kiss me."

And he did. Like habit, as his lips met mine I reached up for him, clinging to him for dear life, never wanting this moment to end. And for a split second, we were the only two people in the world.

Kissing him felt like freedom, like for a moment, a life outside of all of this was possible, like I never had to rely on anyone else ever again, but rather, I wanted to, I wanted to rely on him because I knew that he'd always be there to catch me once I inevitably fell too hard for him, harder than I had ever fallen for anyone.

How ironic wanting to be tied down to someone who made you feel so free.

But despite it all, I could feel him holding back. I finally moved away, not wanting to push him into anything he wasn't ready for. After all, he did say he didn't want this going any further, so it wasn't fair of me to only consider my own feelings, knowing just how much was at stake.

Even still, he didn't let go, holding his stare on me again, his tired eyes moving back down to my lips. It was taking everything in me not to kiss him again.
"Juliette.." He finally sighed. "I just.. I don't-"
"I would never hurt you." I said, knowing that's what he was afraid of. And who could blame him? I'd feel the same way if the roles were reversed. Everyone always says they're going to leave the other person.. but they never really do.

And I wanted to, but.. my situation wasn't that simple.

"You might not mean to, but.. you could. You will."
He was right.
And he didn't deserve that.
But even still, I just couldn't let him go.

"Jake, can you.. stay on my bus tonight?" I asked, now feeling like my whole body was on fire. His eyes went wide, his grip on me getting tighter. I could see the gears turning, and I understood his hesitation, I just wasn't ready for this to be over.
"I just.. I don't want to be alone."

Finally he sighed, playfully rolling his eyes as he wrapped his arm around me, guiding me down towards my bus.
"Fine." He whispered, leaning down and kissing the top of my head. "But just tonight."

I slipped my hand into his, guiding him further down towards my bus that was parked behind theirs. I felt his grip get tighter as we made our way in, quickly closing and locking the door behind him.

As we made our way up the steps, I peeked back at him to catch him looking around wide-eyed. I couldn't help but smile.
"It's the same as yours." I joked. He shook his head, smirking back at me.
"Yours just seems.. bigger."
"Cause I'm not sharing it with three other guys." I said, now leading him through towards my room in the back. He stopped as I reached for the door.

"W-what's wrong?" I asked. He bit down on his lip, holding his stare on me for a moment. I stared back at him, unable to contain my grin whenever I looked at him. He shook his head, trying his best to contain his, but it was no use.
"What?" I laughed. He finally sighed, reaching out for me, gently pulling me in closer. I could feel my heart beating faster.

"I just.. I think.. we should be clear of.. what this is." He said softly. "I mean, before I go back there." I nodded, biting down on my lip.
"Okay."
"Okay.." He said, expecting more.
"You're staying with me.. to keep me company." I said simply. "That's it."
"That's it?" He asked. I nodded.
"That's it."
"So.. you're not expecting anything else to happen?" I shook my head, giggling to myself.

"No.. are you?" He quickly shook his head.
"N-no."
"Well, then okay. I guess we're on the same page." He bit down on his lip, still looking unsure.
"What?" I asked, reaching up, gently caressing his cheek. His face finally relaxed, a gentle smile spreading across his lips.

"It's just that.. we.. we said it wouldn't go any further, and.. well, this kinda feels like.. as far as it can go."
"Keeping me company is going all the way with you?" I laughed. He shook his head, scrunching up his face.
"No, it's just.. I don't know. I just don't want to get used to this for it to just be.. taken away."
"Who says it has to be taken away?"
"Don." He said simply. My stomach dropped. He sensed my reluctance.

"You still haven't decided?" He asked. I shook my head.
"No." I whispered, avoiding his eyes.
"But.. that still means.. you might say no?" I nodded, feeling my face get hot. He was quiet again for a moment before finally nodding, taking my hand and pulling me into the back room, shutting and locking the door behind us.