The Weight of Dreams || Greta Van Fleet

Chapter 51: My Head & My Heart

I held onto him tighter, silently admitting that I loved him, disguised as three gentle squeezes. Even if he didn't know, at least I did. His smile grew, until I saw his face tense up, as if he was just hit with a sudden jolt of pain.

"Are you okay?" I asked. "What was that?" He shook his head, keeping his eyes closed.
"It's nothing." He sighed, deep enough where it clearly wasn't nothing. "My back has just been killing me these past few days, I guess I must've just-"
"Here, lay down." I said, patting the space on the bed next to us. He stopped, giving me a questioning smile before eventually moving over.

"Actually, before you do, here.." I said, reaching over for his shirt. "Can I?" He nodded, giggling to himself.
"A little eager, but.."
"Oh, stop.." I muttered, lifting it over his head and tossing it towards the end of the bed. He flipped over, now lying down on his stomach, cuddling his face into my pillows. I carefully climbed over him.

"What are you doing?" He laughed, peeking back at me. I reached over the side of the bed, pulling out a small bottle of lotion from of my bag.
"Now, this might be a little cold.."
"Julia, what are you d- Julia!" He jumped, smiling back up at me.

"I told you it was going to be cold at first now just.. lay down, I want to do this for you." He sighed, lying back down and eventually his body began to relax as I slowly ran my hands up and around his back.
"That feels nice." He whispered.
"I'm not hurting you, right?" I asked. He gently shook his head.
"No."

We sat in the silence together as I continued, pressing my hands harder into his back, eventually running them up and down this arms as he let out gentle groans making me wonder if I was actually hurting him, and he was just being nice.
"You're sure I'm not-" He shook his head again.
"It feels good." He assured me.

The light scent of lavender and vanilla filled the air as I eventually felt the remainder of the lotion seep into his skin. For a moment, it had seemed like he had fallen asleep. His quiet, gentle breaths becoming so calm and consistent. I leaned down, gently kissing his back, my lips slowly moving up, moving his hair out of the way, gently kissing his neck.

He wasn't asleep.

I felt him shift, letting out another quiet sigh before he began to turn over, reaching out for me and pulling me closer into his lap as he sat back to face me. His face was flushed an adorable pink, his eyes moving down to my lips as he ran his fingers through my hair. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as I finally leaned into a passionate kiss. He didn't hesitate to kiss me back harder, his hand slowly moving down to my neck, pulling me in closer.

It was embarrassing how often I imagined moments like these with him, how many times during the day, he'd flash me a look and I was instantly brought back to my bedroom, wondering what it would be like when the two of us were finally.. together. It didn't matter how many times you did it with the wrong one, it would never compare to your first time with the right one.

His kisses got harder as I felt him wrap his arms around me, pulling me up against him, and all I wanted was for there to be nothing else between us. I slowly moved my hands down his bare chest, eventually stopping at his pants, waiting for him to give me a sign, any sign that I wasn't the only one who wanted this. I could feel him hesitate before finally grabbing the bottom of my shirt, and carefully pulling it over my head, tossing it over onto his.

It was the first time I had ever considered just how strong the locks on the doors were, knowing that this was one of the last things I would ever want Don walking in on. I didn't care if he saw anymore, but I would hate myself if I was the reason that anything could possibly happen to Jake, and knowing Don, he most likely wouldn't leave this room alive.

And part of me felt like Jake knew that, and yet, he was still here.

"Jake.." I sighed, moving away, leaning my forehead against his. The last thing I wanted to do was stop, but also.. all I had ever really known with Don had been physical, and not by my lack of trying. I was finally getting to a place with Jake that I had never been with anyone else before and.. I just don't think I was ready to jump from it yet.

"Yeah?" He exhaled, flashing me a tired grin. Every time he smiled at me it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. If only he knew that something as simple as a smile could be so.. reassuring. I had always felt like I had to walk on eggshells around Don, never knowing what was going to set him off and ruin the entire night, but with Jake it was like.. my feelings really mattered.

This was all so new to me.
But I loved discovering it with him.

"Is everything okay?" He asked. I sighed, nodding, leaning into another long kiss, because just him asking that, made everything feel okay. He held my face in his hands, kissing me back harder, but now much more cautious not to push it too far, sensing my reluctance.

"Yeah, I just.. thank you." His smile grew.
"For what?" He asked, brushing the hair out of my face again, his eyes staying glued on mine like they had finally found solace in another pair that would look upon them just as fondly. I shrugged.

"For.. being different." I muttered. "For not.. treating me like everyone else. I've never felt the way I feel when I'm with you, and.. it just.. you make me feel seen as.. me, like.. just like this, I'm okay. I'm enough.. without all of.. that." I could feel tears starting to come to my eyes. I quickly wiped them away, not wanting to ruin the moment.

Yet again, something else Don had convinced me of.
My feelings were always inconvenient to him.

He reached up, carefully wiping my eyes, but still stayed quiet, just listening.

"I'm sorry I keep stopping us, I just-"
"You never have to be sorry for that." He said simply. "I'm happy.. just being here with you. I am in no rush.. I want to appreciate every single moment with you, Julia. So.." He shrugged, smirking back at me. I couldn't help but smile, wiping my eyes again.

"Sometimes I don't think you're real." I laughed.
"Don't worry, you'll change your mind." He joked. I shook my head, leaning into another quick kiss.
"I really hope not."
"Me too." He whispered.

"You know I would never do anything to hurt you, right?" I asked. He was quiet for a moment, his face dropping. I knew what he was thinking about.
"Maybe not on purpose." He muttered. My heart dropped.
"What are you worried about?" I asked. He was quiet again.
"You deciding to marry him." He finally said.

And that was fair. I still hadn't decided what I was going to do, when the moment came. There was no doubt how I felt about Don, but more importantly how I felt about Jake, and when it all comes down to that one question, I still didn't know if I could be brave enough to potentially walk away from everything, even if that meant being with the one person who has made me feel everything.

"I just.. I need to know that I'm wanted." He said. It broke my heart.
"Jake, you are wanted.. so badly." I sighed, unable to contain my giddy laughter, knowing that I meant it in every way.

My head and my heart were constantly at battle.
And I was scared to see who would win.
And what that would entail.

"Jake, no matter what happens, I.. I just want you to know that.. I lo-" And then my heart sunk at the sound of the bus door slamming open, terrifyingly familiar stomps barging their way through the main area, before a loud thud hit my bedroom door. I frantically crawled out of Jake's lap, going over and grabbing my t-shirt and pulling it over my head before tossing him his. I went over towards the door, leaning up against it.

"You need to go!" I mouthed at him, motioning towards the window. His face dropped as he stared back at me wide-eyed.
"Please." I whispered, now feeling the bangs get harder, knowing any minute this door was about to be torn from its hinges.

"I'm not leaving you alone to deal with this." He said.
"And I'm not letting him hurt you. Go." But still he didn't move. Eventually holding his hand out to me.
"Come with me." He said. I hesitated for a moment before grabbing his hand. I didn't need to be told twice. Not anymore.

He helped me out of the bedroom window, quickly following behind me, and as he hit the ground, I heard the cracking of the door, no doubt now hanging by loose hinges, as he grabbed my hand, quickly leading me onto their bus.