Whispers Of False Promises » bangchan [indefinite hiatus]

episode 1: fully complete

Lovelorn (noun): the state of being unhappy because of unrequited love 

I was never not lovelorn. 

Ever since I was a young kid, I had been in a habit of falling in love with certain TV shows, or gorgeous pieces of art, or the sound of music. Lovelorn might not be the right term to describe my attraction toward these petty, momentary things, but I had never gotten the hold of any of these things, which, thus, left me longing. 

I found my solace in producing music, though; the only thing which made me feel alive. And a certain man who did not know about my existence at all. 

Sighing, I climbed off my bed. It was 5:16 AM, and from the angle of my window, I could see the sun beginning to rise, spreading its orange and yellow arms across the sky that had been blued at the mercy of the night. The color rose to the sky cover above the city, and the canvas that had earlier been painted by the twinkling stars was now cleared into the entry of frosty clouds. The city was about to wake up, and I was already in the spirits to descend into another failed day of work; where no one appreciated the tracks I produced, or loved the thought of my existence. 

I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and sat down before my laptop and music system yet again, donning my headphones and resuming the production of the song I had been working on. 

It was a misty morning, I reckoned, as I sat on my chair beside the window. feeling shivery and cold. I immediately threw my worn out blanket over my shoulders; it was a gift from my elder sister that I had gotten on a Christmas morning six years ago. Now that she was no more, wearing that blanket made me feel closer to her, even if it was the only tangible memory that remained of her with me. 

I checked my mails,  hoping to see whether I have been accepted into some kind of label yet, but for the nth time, I faced disappointment. It was nothing new; I could cope up with it. Right? Just the way I had been for years? Right? 

Sighing, I got off the laptop and made myself some coffee. Strong? Strongest. I poured an unhealthy amount of instant coffee powder into the cup and mixed it with milk, ignoring sugar as always, and went to sit on my chair by my window as I sipped it. The fragrance of freshly brewed coffee wake me up from the bits and pieces of drowsiness that still remained in me, and I looked outside my second storey apartment, watching the roads begin to be run over by cars more and more. 

I had lived here in Seoul, alone for about two years. My parents remained in Hyosan, perhaps still grieving over their elder daughter passing away a year ago. I didn't blame them; I still grieved, too. 

But what is grief if not love persevering? 

I have loved people before. My parents, whom I didn't talk to anymore; my sister, who lives no more; my friends, who I am barely in touch with; pieces of art and entertainment, which could not lure my mind away from failure; and a man, whom I still loved to no end. 

That man, Bang Christopher Chan. An idol. A performer. A home to many. And my subject of ardor. 

I refuse to believe that I am the only chosen one who loves him romantically; there are thousands, if not millions, who feel that way about him. And I am not surprised. 

Who, in their sanest, most heartfelt self, wouldn't love him? 

I often lamented over the time when I hadn't known him. To have your soul seeking for its counterpart, its missing piece, its safest home, is torment. I had only known of him for two years, for the next previous nineteen years of my existence before that point, I had been tortured inwardly, longing for a piece of me that I could neither find in myself, nor in anyone else. 

It is him. I am the most delusional, unhinged, insane person to say this, but he completes my soul. Bang Chan completes me. 

And I can never be fully complete -- because I can never have him. 

(a/n: how was this for an opener?

ahhhhh i was so worried y'all would find this nonsensical because like yeah i KNOW 

DID YOU LIKE IT? 

thanks for reading! i love you!)