Whispers Of False Promises » bangchan [indefinite hiatus]

episode 25: i love you, chan

"I'd cut my soul into a million different pieces just to form a constellation to light your way home. I'd write love poems to the parts of yourself you can't stand. I'd stand in the shadows of your heart and tell you I'm not afraid of your dark." 

- Andrea Gibson

_____

"Are we geared up for the debut tomorrow?" Hee-yeol questioned, sounding genuinely cheerful. 

"Yes!" Miko beamed, throwing her fists in the air. 

"That's right!" I hooted, "Your life's about to change from tomorrow, Miko!" 

"And yours, too, sis!" she bounced on her spot, "We're gonna reveal our hard work to the world tomorrow, and I'm so excited!" 

She launched herself into a hug at me, and I caught her in her boisterous zone, giggling as she embraced me tightly. 

"Aww," Hyeon-ju cooed, "Lately, things have been super wholesome in this studio! I pray that nothing steals this away from us all." 

It was a sweet gesture of her to say that, even when she and Hee-yeol were not the ones debuting. They cared for me and Miko, and I was grateful to have such friends pushing my lonesomeness out of the window and making my world brighter. If there existed a phrase called 'friends for life', this was it. 

"Okay, I'm gonna get to my dance routine again," Miko left me and inhaled deeply, "I've gotta get used to working harder now." 

"All the best! And don't forget to take breaks in intervals!" I called out to her as she sashayed out of the room, waving me goodbye. 

Hyeon-ju chuckled, "It seems as if you're her mom."

"She's just nineteen," I reasoned, "And she hasn't seen her family in a long while. It's only fair if I treat her like a younger sister, much less a daughter." 

"Typical Kaira," Hee-yeol laughed, "Always thinking more about others than herself." 

"You're making me sound righteous." 

"Well, that's true." 

"That's an exaggeration," I folded my arms over my chest. 

"Oh? You need another vote for that hypothesis?" Hyeon-ju spoke, and she pointed to the door. I turned around to see Chan waiting at the door. 

"When did you arrive?" I asked, bewildered. 

"Just a few seconds ago," Chan cheekily smiled, "And I agree with Hee-yeol. You get my vote!" 

"Thanks, hyung," Hee-yeol looked at me, sneering, "See?"

 "Don't take yourself so casually," Chan assured, "You're about to become someone's career's backbone. It's a huge thing, and I want you to be proud of that."

Hyeon-ju kept a hand on my shoulder, "They're right. You're about to become a big name!" 

I looked around at the three of them, and smiled, "Alright." 

---

2:02 AM, and Chan and I were walking along the edges of Han River, discussing how each other's day was. He told me about the shenanigans in their practice room -- how Jeongin had accidentally spilled water on the wooden flooring, and Hyunjin had slipped and fallen, and Jisung had tripped over a whole Hyunjin and faceplanted onto the floor. I laughed, and remarked about how chaotic they were. 

"I know, I know," Chan giggled, his thumb gently rubbing the back of my hand that he had in his. 

And yes, he loved physical affection -- everyone knew that -- so he loved to hold my hand as much as I did his. 

So, walking hand-in-hand late at night, our laughter died down, and we admired the fogged-up view of the city before us. 

"You know," Chan spoke, "Sometimes, I wonder what goes on in people's heads." 

"Why so?" 

"Human minds are beautiful, but destructive at the same time. They leave imprints of their existence everywhere they choose to go," he sighed, "But maybe all imprints aren't meant to affect you equally." 

"What's wrong, Chan?"

"Nothing, Stara."

"Hey," I stopped, and due to our intertwined hands, he halted, too. I started, "We're each other's comfort people, right? Will you trust me again to share what's troubling you? It's always better to vent out than keep it all bottled up inside you." 

He sighed again, and looked away, "I... I'm not good enough."

I wanted to fight his proclamation right at that second, but I stood quiet to let him continue. 

And he did, "Sometimes, life feels so mechanic. Facing hate comments every day should have become a habit by now, though, but every time someone brings up their dislike toward me, it reminds me that they aren't the only ones who hate me. I do, too... And it's never not hurtful. I know that I'm not good enough for anyone, not even myself, but I don't wish to emphasize that fact, Stara. I wish to be delusional enough to believe that I'm okay, I'm fine, nothing shall ever go wrong; to believe that all my efforts are worth something, that I'm improving. But one hate comment and all of that house of cards falls and dissolves into nothing. Say, Stara, do I not deserve to be happy?" 

Hearing him say that completely broke my heart. How could I possibly express in words how wrong he was? 

So I inhaled, and held both of his hands tightly yet gently, and began, "Channie... I know that you might have heard that 'you saved people' every day. But it's the truth. I understand how hurtful it must be to have someone undermine your efforts every day, and so many at that, but you deserve to know that you're not who you see yourself as. Sometimes, Chan, I wish you could see yourself from my eyes..." I almost let a tear slip by, "If saving one person makes you ascend to Heaven, then Chan, you're already an angel. And this isn't consolation -- this is how everyone feels about you. How I feel about you. You're a savior. You're a refuge. You are..." 

I let a tear slip by, "...You are my language of love."

He seemed to be moved at that. I let another tear slip by, averting my eyes, "God, how do I let you know how precious you are? Words are failing me right now-" 

I could no longer speak. 

Because he had encased my lips with his. 

With his hands cupping my face so delicately, as if I was a porcelain doll, he kissed me. And that kiss felt like a relief. A relief from the world. A relief from myself. It felt like how I would presume Heaven to feel -- soothing, rhythmic, almost like the sound of music. In his hold, I trembled; because all this while, I had felt tornados pass through me, and in this fond embrace of our lips, I could feel myself calming down. I could feel myself easing up. I could feel the final tornado passing, and dying down eventually. 

We parted, and with a coat of blush over his cheeks, he dazedly smiled, "I love you, Kaira."

It was time. I had been dying to say those words to him for ages. It felt unreal to be doing so, but I finally admitted, 

"I love you, Chan." 

"Can I?" he giddily spoke, and I breathed out a chuckle, nodding. 

And as our lips reunited in a kiss again, I found my home. 

(a/n: GUYS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHDWNJWOJFEWNOFNEWOJFOENOFJNOEFJ- 

I told you, the kiss would be more meaningful than some banter!! How was this? :DD 

thanks for reading! i love you!)